Hello!
So, yes, I've finally gotten round to continuing the blog post about opening up and eating disorders (I know a few days late but whatever I've been busy!) and so today I will be discussing the topic itself and my experience with it.
Whenever somebody mentioned eating disorders in the past, the only things that ever came to my mind were anorexia and bulimia. I honestly didn't think there was much else to it - if you were overweight you didn't necessarily have an eating disorder, you were just overweight, and if you weren't extremely underweight and could actually stomach down a meal, there was no way you could have an eating disorder, so there was probably nothing wrong with you.
A few months ago, probably around the beginning of summer, I started taking the pill. This was just for health reasons - my periods were very irregular and I was constantly on them - so I went to the doctors with my mum to sort it out and they suggested I go on that for about 3 months, just to get my menstrual cycle back on track and at a healthy, normal level again.
As for the period front, they worked. I was able to control my periods, when I wanted them to start and stop, and the genuine crabbiness I had felt for so long over this frustrating business had come to an end! But, whilst I was still taking them and probably into the second month by now, my weight increased a lot. I can't remember exactly when, or when I even started to realise, but I ended up putting on a stone over the course of time I was on it. I actually wrote about this whilst it was all happening, how it was making me feel, and you can find the original blog post here.
I remember reading about the possible side effects of the pill when I first got them - I noticed the 'weight loss/weight gain' side effect, and whilst hoping it would be a 'weight loss' instead of weight gain, I had no idea I would of ever gained that much from the pill alone.
Even when I googled these side effects, trying to find out whether other women were experiencing the same problem, a lot of the websites I read claimed that the pill had nothing to do with weight gain, and it was all of the own woman's accord (even if this were true, I still believe the pill has definite side effects of increased appetite). So, as a result of this, I felt as if all of this weight gain was my own fault, and I was the one to blame - poor diet, not enough exercise - even though I was doing pretty much the same things as I was doing before I went on the pill!
I just recall feeling incredibly bloated all the time, constantly looking in the mirror in disgust at how fat I'd become. I mean, family would still say that I wasn't 'fat', and in a way they were right, I was still a healthy weight for my age and height. But still, I felt repulsive at myself, and horrified/ashamed that I had neglected my body in this way and done this to myself.
I hopped on the scales one night and saw that I'd reached 8 stone 12 pounds. This was a shock to me, as before then, whenever I weighed myself, I was always only 8 stone and a few pounds - never over 8 stone 5. And obviously this caused me to panic - I had to rethink everything, my diet, my lifestyle choices, what I now had to do and give up in order to lose this gained weight.
It was kinda horrible, really. I remember the next day I had decided to start a 'diet'. Really, this was like a crash diet. A sudden, unexpected, unwelcomed change to how I eat, and my body did not respond well to it at all. My family were pretty concerned for me - my dad was glad I was deciding to eat healthier, but I know my mum and everyone else had thought I'd gone off the rails! I decided to cut out all of these bad foods I was so used to eating everyday, workout at least 3 times a week, and start counting my calories in my food and work out my daily calorie intake. I figured out how much I needed to be consuming to be the weight I wanted to be, and I tried really hard to stick with it.
It was hard. Really, really hard. I think the sudden deprivation of anything nice and sugary didn't help me at all, and probably made things worse in the long run. Counting calories and seeing what I couldn't eat made me more depressed than anything. The working out was crazy - I forced my body into too much all at once, probably more than it could handle, and over worked myself to the point of exhaustion.
I think by the end of the week, I was pretty fed up with it. I don't know if I allowed myself the one day off to eat whatever I wanted, or permitted myself the weekend to do that, but I remember weighing myself to see if I had even lost anything, and I'm pretty sure I was exactly the same. After all that effort, I hadn't lost a thing, and I think that's when I really went into my downward spiral.
It was just chaos from there on - because I had restricted my intake of food and cut out all of the stuff I enjoyed eating before completely and suddenly, my body probably went into starvation mode, and because I was so hungry and probably emotionally distressed at the fact I hadn't lost anything, I just ended up eating more and more again.
Then, as a result of this, I went back on the scales at some point and seen that I had gained more weight - I was probably about nine and a half stone at this point. This was still a pretty normal weight to be at according to my bmi, but still, I felt horrified by it.
I can't really remember much else that happened after this - I definitely didn't do a crash diet like that again, but I do remember looking at websites my mum was on for quick, temporary diets that yield results. I did consider them for a while, but don't think I ever did any.
It was a week before my holiday to France, and because I wanted so badly to at least look ok in a swimsuit, I cut down on my junk food again (but not completely) and made an effort to exercise and use the wii fit religiously every day. As usual, the exercise didn't do much good, and I was probably the same on holiday as I was previously (I was still taking the pill at this point).
I think once September came, the packet of my medication was nearing empty, and gradually I finished the pill. I remember feeling quite relieved after this - I had hope in me that I would probably start eating normally again now, and hopefully my weight would drop down at least a little bit. I actually started to notice these results near enough straight away - I definitely stopped being as hungry, stopped craving sugary things as much as I did, and, eventually, my weight seemed to decrease too. I gradually dropped down to 8 stone 9, then eventually 8 stone 8, 8 stone 7, 8 stone 6, and now, 8 stone 5.
I lost pretty much a whole stone within a matter of a month. I currently weigh 8 stone 5 now (I think anyway, weighed myself last week!) and have gotten myself into a better eating pattern.
I decided to stick it at 3 main meals a day, including one treat before I go to bed. I also try to do at least one full workout a week, usually when I'm sat at home not really doing anything, and using the exercise bike occasionally. This did actually work well for a while, and over time, I actually started being able to see my hip bones and rib-cage again - well, rib-cage if I breathed in very far, but that wasn't possible before! My clothes started to fit me well again, they flattered me more, I could put on stuff that I wouldn't of dared to wear a few months back. It felt very liberating - and, it just went to show, that the pill I was on DID IN FACT cause a huge change in my weight. Even if it just increased my appetite, there's no way I would of gained and lost all that weight so quickly without the pill being an influence.
So, as a result, I started to forgive myself. Realising that it wasn't necessarily me or my fault alone to blame for the sudden weight gain, it was easier for me to feel relaxed about what I was eating again. It was also kind of a pain knowing that as much as I did try to control my weight back then - it didn't and would of made absolutely no difference anyway! But I can't deny that I have felt much more happier being back to this weight again, feeling more in control of myself, and just plain feeling like 'me' again.. it's good to be back!
However, on the downside, the feelings of happiness and contentment with how I look haven't lasted long. Unfortunately, I think a lot of my insecurities on what I went through during that period of weight gain have stayed with me. The loss of control, the anxieties - and now I have this horrible fear inside of me that one day I will gain it all back and lose control again.
Since losing all of the weight again, I've been trying to maintain the current weight I'm at, and I do this by using a calorie tracker online - I type in the food I had that day and it comes up with the number of calories I consumed, then with a number of how much more I can have that day, in order to maintain the weight I want. It's a pretty good idea, and it has helped me stick to it, but, unfortunately, it does have it's downsides.
For some reason, I find it hard to ever pick up anything more without checking how many calories are in it first. You could say I'm obsessed with calories, if something has too much I won't go near it, and I've basically been living my life by it!
Because of this, I've noticed that I have a tendency to want to indulge more - some days, I'll just be so fed up of sticking within these boundaries I've set for myself and limiting the amount of food I can have, that I just get the most incredible urges to eat everything in sight! I'll just wanna stuff my face with as much junk food as I can find, and then afterwards after I usually do this, I end up feeling guilty, resentful, and I'm back to hating myself again.
I noticed this last week, in fact, when I was at the shop with my brother and we were buying food to snack on. I tried to blame my urges on my time of the month (a legitimate excuse but not the only reason) and even before I'd eaten the food, I started to have feelings of guilt. I had this overwhelming desire to just eat all of it, and it was very hard to stop myself once I started - but at the same time, I felt angry and annoyed at myself for doing it.
I just had a brainwave, a sudden realisation that this behaviour can't be considered normal. It just simply isn't! I knew it myself, I've known for so long that my obsession with food weight and calories is not of a normal standard, and in a desperate need for help, I took to the internet again to find out just whether I had a problem or not.
And to be honest with you, I was pretty shocked. Shocked at what I had found, but also, not surprised in a way, as really it was what I expected. I took an online eating disorder test, and upon reading the first few lines 'if food rules your life, you may have an eating disorder' I knew I had to take it and find out for sure..
The questions in the test really stood out to me because a lot of the stuff that was listed was stuff I have actually done and still do. My behaviour and thoughts are the same, and it's through this test that I've realised a lot of those things aren't normal at all. I often find myself preoccupied with food, I never feel satisfied with my eating patterns, I often eat a lot of food even when I'm not hungry, I can never eat high calorie food without feeling guilty, I occasionally weigh myself, I occasionally try to diet but always lose control, I can never feel relaxed if I overeat, I never feel in control of my weight, my weight occasionally yo-yo's, I am never flexible in my eating habits, I never feel relaxed about my body weight, other people occasionally worry about my eating habits, I always count the calories of whatever I eat, and I always feel ashamed of the amount of food I can eat.
Even today - the same thing has happened as last week, where I've consumed a lot of junk food at once. This time, it wasn't a complete urge, just something I wanted to do. I figured it can't hurt to treat myself like that once a week, but because of the amount of food I ate I now feel guilty again, and when I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat. This is what it's constantly like for me - I have to watch how much I'm eating, I'm always assessing my body to see if I have put on any weight, and then it's followed by the rush and panic to try and lose it again. Often though, I'll go back on the scales and discover that I haven't really gained anything at all - I'll still be around 8 stone 5, even though I feel like I've put something on. At least that's what's happened the last few times, but still, I continue to feel scared and at a loss of control over my own body.
After completing the test, this is what the results showed -
'You have scored 43.
31-45
Do you feel in control of your eating behaviour? Most of the time you do, but there is some anxiety that has crept into your relationship with food: this is showing up in your eating behaviour. Are you aware of how much energy you are putting into controlling your eating habits? Take care that this does not become a full-time preoccupation with how much you weigh and how much you are trying not to eat.
There is a direct connection between how relaxed you are with food and your general self-esteem. If your confidence is a little shaky, controlling your eating behaviour can be a diversionary tactic. Try to work out what it is that is really bothering you. Or what your real coping difficulties are.
You are sensitive to all the conflicting messages around you concerning food and weight. You may feel that you cannot accept yourself unless you are a certain size. Relax a little and learn to accept yourself as you are. If you restrain your food intake too much, this is bound to have a rebound effect sooner or later. It is also confusing listening to all the conflicting advice out there about what healthy eating really means.
Do you feel less of a person if you are not following some kind of obscure dietary regime?. Again, learn to relax, and listen to your body. Be kind to yourself. The old adage, 'a little of what you fancy does you good', still holds true. Food is a means to a happy healthy life - not an end in itself.'
I could honestly answer yes to pretty much all of the questions here - and I feel like I relate with everything it says. I do feel inadequate if I'm not a certain size, and there is definitely a direct connection between food and my self-esteem - I've noticed that my self-confidence definitely affects the way I eat, and whenever I'm upset or in need of comfort, I will usually turn to food to fill in that void. The diversionary tactic could also be true - my own self confidence in life needs work and by feeling like I have some control of my eating behaviour makes me feel better about myself, but really I think there are other areas of myself and my life that need addressing.
I know there's nothing wrong with having a little treat every now and again, but I think the problem within me lies in not knowing when to stop, and not having much power to stop.
Another type of eating disorder was listed below the results, along with anorexia and bulimia. I already knew the last two, but the first one was new to me - and it sounded very familiar:
'Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.'
I've definitely been through a stage like this in my life - and I think this happened the most when I was emotionally eating. I'm not as bad as this anymore, however, but I do feel very ashamed of my eating habits, and I also hope that someday I can eat normally like everybody else - to not feel guilty and ashamed when I eat something typically unhealthy, but to have the self control to stop myself and no longer feel the need to fill my body pointlessly with this type of food.
I think since being aware of this, it's helped me to gain perspective and not beat myself up so much for it anymore. I know that this isn't typical normal behaviour, and is gonna be a lot harder to get control back over. I don't think I have a serious eating disorder right now, but I do know that I have a lot of anxieties and difficulties when it comes to my relationship with food. It's gonna take time, but I think as long as I can be kind with myself, learn to recognise when I'm emitting these unhelpful behavious, and take a step back then I should be ok and back to myself within time. I think the whole shock with putting on weight and fears surrounding that time a few months ago have caused all this, but I'm determined to put it behind me and create a new, healthier lifestyle for myself. I've already tried not counting my calories this week, and as hard as that's been, with feeling like I'm not in control and have no idea how much I'm eating, I've managed it more or less. I will probably still do the calorie tracker occasionally, just to keep myself on track and maintain that healthy weight, but I will not deprive myself of food when I'm hungry, and will allow myself to have a treat without feeling terribly guilty afterwards (or at least try! haha).
Anyway, on a last note, throughout this week I've been trailing and trailing the web again on how to feel beautiful and happy with yourself.. or even to just believe you're beautiful. I've come across some great blog posts, including this one, and I found it really helpful and true. It's made me realise that comparing myself to others and assuming that other people judge me solely on my flaws are one of the lethal crimes of self-confidence, and probably one of the reasons my insecurities have been so heightened.
I especially loved this quote from the post:
'When women evaluate their physical attractiveness, they compare themselves with an idealized standard of beauty, such as a fashion model. In contrast, when both men and women evaluate their intelligence, they do not compare themselves to Einstein, but rather to a more mundane standard.'
I'll say it before and I'll say it again - the media portrays such unrealistic and unachievable standards for women in today's society. It is no wonder that us girls feel the need to have perfect bodies when we are constantly comparing ourselves to airbrushed and starved models, and this goes for perfect skin, hair, teeth too - everything!
I hope to reach a stage within myself that is no longer concerned or worried about every little mundane aspect of my looks. To just realistically say that I am human, a perfectly flawed human, but that's ok. I am more important than the number on my scales, and more important than the impossible chase for perfection will ever be. I am real.
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