So, just been thinking tonight about certain things like education and the future, and thought I'd write a blog post about it seeing as it's been on my mind quite a lot recently.
I know it's been a while since I last wrote on this blog - I'm back to using my other private one now, but I just thought this one got depressing so I decided to leave it for a while! Also thought I may as well vent out my feelings about this situation on this one, and since I've been ignoring this feeling, think it's about time I addressed it!
I keep seeing people's photos on facebook, and tweets about, everyone going to uni this year. I knew it would be happening for everyone seeing as it's September term time now, but I felt generally okay about it at first. Of course I was a bit upset that I wasn't going this year too, but I just brushed it off.
I guess everyone's properly starting it now though, and by everyone, I mean mainly people in my year - and I guess that's why it bothers me more. I see all the photos of the parties, new faces in the photos, things about the houses and people's blocks, and it just gets me thinking.
Back when I was with my ex, I remember when he started university. It all seemed really exciting to me to me then too, I was only just learning about it all really. I remember I wasn't really doing anything at the time.. I left college around then so I gave up on the idea of going to uni completely, shoved it out my mind since I knew it would never happen if I didn't continue with college. I started thinking of different career paths, and that was it. They were never things I was passionate about or even interested in, but I had just accepted that this was where my life was going now. I tried to not care, I suppose.
I'm finally back at college now - ones that run at night anyway, and I am really enjoying it. I'm glad I didn't give up on the idea of college - I'm still determined to get to uni myself, so I didn't want to give up.
But yet - I still can't help but compare my life to other peoples. I just find myself thinking 'that should be me now' and that if I had just stuck with sixth form at the time, passed my A levels, I could be there now, also having fun and making new friends. It's hard, I know it's not healthy to constantly compare yourself with other people, but I always feel like I've singled myself out from everyone else from my past actions and choices. Even if I am putting it right now - I can't get that time back. And the only thing that worries me is the age I'll be when I eventually go there - I'll already feel like I'm different because I'll probably be older than most other people there that start their first year, but I guess I just also feel like I don't want to waste any more time. I still can't confidently talk about why I left college to people I've just met, I just prefer to keep it out of conversations because I still feel some sort of shame and embarrassment towards it I suppose, though I know I shouldn't - but I'm hoping one day it won't be such a difficult topic to talk about, that I won't keep feeling regret, and that I can be proud I didn't give up in the long run.
There are some good points to consider though - I mean if I had stuck with sixth form, I could of been really unhappy, and I never would of got to try these night classes like I am now, which I actually prefer a lot more, and feel like I can learn better. Also, I already know quite a few people my age who haven't gone to uni yet, some won't at all, but some didn't pass their A-levels to even be able to go, so I probably won't be the only one going at about 22 years old if others have to retake theirs. Besides, people even older than me will be going, so guess I shouldn't feel too bad!
I think it's the fear of missing out that gets to me most - I have that feeling with most things in life, and I'm sure other people do, with different situations. But comparison and worrying about what you're missing out on is just a waste of the time you have right now, the present. I think all I can do right now is just begin to focus on myself from now on, stop caring about what other people are doing, and just live my god damn life to the best I can, with whatever I currently have! Sometimes mistakes and setbacks may not get us to where we want to be, but I think they do lead us onto a better path - the one we're meant to be at. Sometimes the best opportunities and surprises come from the decisions we wished we'd never made.
"What sets you apart can feel like a burden. And it's not. A lot of the time, it's what makes you great." -Emma Stone
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