Even when I'm out, I'm still feeling self-conscious about my appearance, checking myself in the reflection of shop windows, and then as soon as I'm back home, it's back to this thought process:
- 'I look rough today'
- 'What the fuck is that on my face, ugliest thing ever'
- 'Why can't I look different'
- 'I need to lose weight'
- 'Why can't I change *this* and *that* about myself'
- 'I hate how I look'
- 'Ew ew and ew'
This is pretty much a day in the life of how I think and feel. And it's no wonder that at the end of every day, I'm left with no self-confidence whatsoever, low self-esteem, and a genuine hatred of what I am and what I look like.
Even when other people think I look good, or other people compliment me, my instant thoughts are 'They're only saying that to be polite/get something out of me/they think everyone looks good' etc. I immediately brush whatever nice thing they said about me off and as much as I may try to believe it, I don't, because I daily tell myself otherwise. And I think of reasons why this cannot be true.
It's got to stop. I'm sick of living like this. Feeling like this. Looking to others to fill in this void and lack of self-love, the approval of others and their compliments to make me feel good.
And the funny thing is - even when I get it, it doesn't make me feel good in the long term. I'm happy for about a few minutes, but then after it, I'm back to the usual critical, negative inner voice, telling me that I'm ugly and not good enough.
Why is it that I'm my own worst critic? The person who judges me the most? The person most harsh and unnecessarily cruel to myself?
I don't treat my friends or family like this. I always want them to know how beautiful they are and feel good. I try to see the best in them. But in myself, the flaws are the first things I pick out and focus on.
Whatever the reason for this may be, (probably to do with growing up and child issues, feeling uncomfortable in my own body because of mean comments at school and feeling insecure, and therefore not being able to believe anyone anymore when they tell me anything nice about myself) it's no longer serving me any purpose. I've grown older believing it to be the truth, when most likely (I hesitate as I tell myself this because I STILL don't believe it) it isn't the case. I'm sure other people don't see me as the ugly monster I see looking back at me in the mirror. All these self-doubts are doing is seizing me from living my life. From enjoying my life. Enjoying who I am. Being happy and ok with who I am. I'm not confident when I meet new people partly because I worry what they'll think of my appearance, therefore find it hard to interact with other people confidently. I'm scared to meet new people, get to know other people, open myself up to others, date new guys, do anything really.
I make an effort to make myself look good, but deep down there is still that pesky little voice, reminding me that I'm just not as great as I think I am. If that made sense..
It's making me hate myself for no reason! I was not born being able to choose what I look like, I've altered myself a lot already throughout my life in non-surgical ways so I look a lot better than I used to, yet I'm still searching for improvement and aiming for perfection, when really I'm not sure it even exists. As much as I wish it did so I could be 'it'.
I seem to have this weird idea that if I was physically perfect, that everything would be fine and dandy. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I'd have no problems anymore. I'd have unstoppable confidence and everybody would love me.
But what if I am already attractive? What if others see me like that, yet, I don't see it? And really I'm sabotaging myself because I don't see the beauty that's already in me!
I think that may be the case. These thought processes, negative voices and worries aren't helping me at all. They refuse to ever let me believe anything nice about myself, and therefore, it's in my power and my power only to change that.
From this day forward, for exactly one month, I am going to make the conscious decision and effort to fully accept me, inside and out, and I will do that by doing the following:
- Stop criticizing myself every time I look in the mirror. Stop looking for flaws. Stop focusing on the things I don't like.
- Actively SEEK OUT the things I do like about my appearance, focus on my best assets, and fully embrace them and allow myself to love them without worrying about my perceived 'flaws'.
- Stop looking in the mirror (including reflections!) so often - and I mean quit the obsessive unnecessary 'if I look at myself in this angle do I look better' kind of thinking.
- Wear things that make me feel good. And then stop questioning my appearance and whether I look good in it for the rest of the day.
- Allow myself to go hours without even acknowledging or thinking about what I look like. Yes, smile even though I think my smile looks stupid.. laugh, talk, do what I fucking please.
- Get ready, do my hair, do my make-up, without complaining once. About anything. (This will be a task but I'm determined to give it a go).
- Don't look at my body for any more than a few seconds, and no pulling or pinching at my bulgy bits. Or sucking my tummy in to make me look better.
- If I'm getting my photo taken, don't freak out. Just smile and act natural, and don't ask to see the picture afterwards.
- Don't try to take a picture of myself on my blackberry after I've gotten all ready and think I look nice, only to discover that on my phone camera, I don't look as glamorous as I thought. (I'm convinced this camera is just out to make me look worse than I actually do).
- If this does happen, get over the fact that a bad photo came out. It doesn't mean I look bad, it's probably the lighting/angle etc. Then get the fuck over it and move on with your day, as if you look fucking amazing.
- Tell myself good things about myself. Daily. Compliment myself as if I fancy myself. Yep, I'm allowed to be vain. Tell yourself how gorgeous you look today, and act as if it's true, even if it doesn't feel right at first.
- Engage with others as if you are beautiful, and they know it too. Don't hold back and appear shy and awkward with yourself, as if you have something you want to hide.
- Every time a negative thought or self-doubt creeps in, acknowledge it as soon as possible, then tell it to fuck off. Diminish it. Remember, it no longer serves you, it no longer deserves a place in your brain.
- Stop telling myself how gross I look without make-up. Learn to love how I look naturally.
- Stop obsessing over calories. Make an effort to eat healthier things, but not to try and lose weight, just as a way for my body to feel better.
- Work out and exercise because I want to be fit and healthy, not just so I can see the results.
- Every time someone compliments me, thank them and smile, DO NOT brush it off, disagree, or think that it is not true. Allow yourself to believe it and use it as good energy for the rest of the day.
- If you see a spot on your face, observe it, but don't judge yourself for it. Act as if you were looking at it on your friend's face. You wouldn't point at it and go 'EWW GROSS'. Don't get upset over it!
- Remind myself that I am human, and it's in my second nature to have imperfections. Everyone does.
- Also remind myself of my important, good, inner qualities. (Kind, thoughtful, intelligent, good friend etc).
- Most of all, just try and enjoy being myself. Create a new mental image for yourself, as if you are actually attractive and confident and amazing, and see what good opportunities come from it. Notice how much better you feel.
And in exactly one month, or less, seeing as this day today will be the day after Christmas haha, I will write back here and let you know, or myself know, how I did, how much I struggled, how good I felt/now feel, and whether it's changed anything. I may write in this before that, just as a quick recap as to how I'm doing so far etc. Interested to try this! Wish me luck!
xo
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