Update

(Quick update on how I've been feeling and how well the self-love project has been working so far!)


DAY 1:

(Extract from my phone)

I've felt amazing today. It's like all the stuff I've assigned myself to do is already having an effect, and making such a positive impact on me and my self image already. A few minutes ago, I was just browsing through my pictures on my phone, and closely analysing spots and other perceived 'flaws' on my face,  so obviously immediately got those feelings of low self-esteem and doubt. But I acknowledged the feeling, read my blog post again and reminded myself of all the important things I need to remember, and it worked! Its like I just need to keep giving myself a reality check, and once I recognised that those were just my negative, self-defeating thoughts again, I was able to get rid of them a lot quicker. Good to see this is working already :)

DAY 2/3:

I'm not gonna lie, the past day and today have been kinda hard. I don't really know what's changing, I mean maybe with the whole college thing and getting ready, it gets me too focused on my appearance again, but idk. I'm tired as well right now, currently in bed, so forgive me if whatever I say doesn't make sense and I ramble on too much!
I mean, it's just hard to stay positive. There a few things I have failed at already, and tbh I was kinda expecting that. Things like the photo taking, flaw-picking, focusing too much again on the things I don't like about myself rather than just being happy enough with the good things. Too much time in front of the mirror, checking reflections when I'm out again, and definitely the thoughts creeping back in! I haven't made as much of an effort though to shun them out this time, and I guess it's because I still see it as my reality. I've thought this way for such a long time it's become my reality now, and what I believe to be fact, so it's kinda hard to just start re-programming my brain like this.
Another thing that I think highly depends on my levels of self-acceptance and self-love would be the kind of mood I'm in. I've noticed that when I'm in a bad, depressed, sad or angry mood, then I tend to feel more negatively about myself, too. I lack the motivation and drive to keep trying to accept myself, and the effort to keep telling myself good things. It's hard to be nice to yourself! Especially if you think you aren't doing so well in other things, either.
I guess this is where appearance isn't just concerned. I need to be kind to myself about everything. Every struggle I face and life decision I've made, I really need to just support myself. Be ok with me and how I choose to live my life. Not easy!
I have done some things quite well though. I haven't been completely hating and stressed out on my appearance the whole time, last night I felt very happy with how I looked, and today I was as well a little bit with some aspects of my appearance, but it was just when I went out and started looking in mirrors, one look at my skin and I'm like 'oh my god I look terrible' and it seems to put me in a mood for the rest of the day. I mean, I can't win really - whilst I'm trying to focus on accepting myself and loving my appearance, it involves thinking too much about what I look like anyway, and it's hard to put my mind on anything else. So trying not to acknowledge anything to do with how I look for a while is a very hard task.
And, if I don't remind myself of this list enough, my memory goes sloppy and I forget the things I wrote on it, and how I'm not supposed to be doing certain things I've been doing.

I just wish I didn't even really have to think so much about any of this, or worry myself so much over stuff like this. Mad to think how all this has stemmed from some past thing, most likely, but all this has been built up over the years and it's probably going to take just as long to change the way I think completely.

And, I find myself still seeking the approval of others, even though I shouldn't - I sometimes feel that if  I don't have what I would consider to be the validation of a man, then I don't look good. It's daft but these things have just become habit now.

Anyway, I'm probably over-thinking now - I've been feeling a bit negative tonight but I think I'm just tired and need sleep. And rest. So on that note, good night - and I will try again with my big mission tomorrow. I'm not giving up yet! Struggle is necessary for progress ;)

xo