Rant

Written 15/12/12

This post isn't going to be like the rest of my blog and how its been recently, but I needed somewhere to vent tonight

I sometimes feel like I have a huge burden and weight on my shoulders to be happy all the time. To be constantly smiling, constantly motivated, always moving forward and improving myself in every way that I can.

Whilst I usually try to do all this everyday, it's extremely difficult trying to keep it up. I cried tonight. I actually can't remember the last time I did cry, but it felt good. Honestly, i feel a lot better after it, and I think its made me realise some pretty important things.

Things weren't good at home before. Well, it's never 100 percent perfect, as no family ever is, but usually things are ok and I can deal with the most part.
However, listening to arguments and witnessing the amount of stress in this house is having an effect. I've been exposed to a lot over the years, a lot nobody could ever experience or imagine, and it definitely takes its toll on me. Things weren't so bad, but it made me upset. And I just got this sudden, overwhelming urge to cry. I was already feeling randomly depressed out of nowhere, and I was in that sort of mood where I just wanted to sit down and not deal with the world or my feelings,I wanted to be able to cry but couldn't, but it was something about this encounter with one of my family members that just sent me over the edge. I became so angry and it felt like I had all this pent up rage building inside me, and then before you knew it, I just went somewhere alone and started to cry. I allowed myself to, though - there was no holding back, I genuinely felt like I needed to, so I did.

I know what caused the tears, really. It wasn't just this argument and anger from listening to my family, it was more or less a mix of everything. A mix of every little thing I've been dealing with in my life at the moment, things I've dealt with in the past and still having to deal with, and anxieties about the future. I was overwhelmed. That is the only way I can explain it. Sometimes, you just get to a point where you are so mentally and physically exhausted of everything, that you just lose control and break down.

As well as family stuff, I'm constantly having battles with myself every day. Self esteem issues, trying to improve my confidence, setting goals for myself in every aspect of my life and trying to achieve them - its not easy. I'm trying to let go of the past and move on from things that have hurt me whilst trying to considerably improve my present and plan wisely for the future.
I have to push myself every day to maintain a positive frame of mind, I try to make decisions that will benefit my well-being the most, and I genuinely make an effort nearly every day to be the best me I can be.

But its not just myself that I have to deal with when trying to keep positive - its other people, too. I obviously demonstrated this with the family situations, but I find myself often being disappointed by others, and it really hinders my outlook on life and inner happiness. When people let me down I find it so difficult to keep that positive attitude, especially when I expect so much from them, and I try not to care and try not to let it bother me but I can't deny that it sometimes does, and how much I get frustrated at it. Whether it be friends turning out to be not-so-real friends after all, ex lovers becoming things you never thought they would be, and not being treated with decency, respect, and kindness in general. Kindness and respect that I know I so fully deserve.

Whilst others and I have noticed an improvement in my confidence over the past year, I still have a long way to go. I'm proud of what I've achieved and how much I've attempted at keeping this positivity thing going, but I think somehow, along the way, I've got caught up in that spiral where everything has to run perfectly, and I have to be perfect with everything I do in life.

For some reason, it seems like people, including myself, are ashamed of their own sadness. Ashamed to admit their failures or past mistakes, ashamed to admit their struggle or confess to needing help. We all want to feel like we can deal with things ourselves, but I think its got to the point where everybody feels pressured to be doing perfectly all the time, never feeling sad or mad, and always being happy.
I guess its because people want to be liked, and nobody likes to be around those who are constantly negative and always complain yet never do anything to help themselves, but I think there is a difference.

Showing emotion and being yourself, and I mean really expressing yourself without holding back in fear of judgement, can be a very attractive thing. At least to me, it is.
When someone brings down their walls for you, let's you into their life and shows you the darker parts, I think there's a certain degree of trust there, and realism.

I think people should be more open about their struggles. Its no wonder that we all feel terribly guilty for ever being in a bad mood and beat ourselves up pointlessly for it. We all feel like we shouldn't be feeling this way, even though its perfectly normal to feel these things sometimes.

By not being honest about how you feel, especially with yourself, you're building up all this pent up emotion inside of you, and keeping it there. Pretending to be happy all the time and acting as if things are fine, without ever acknowledging any of your problems or trying to solve them, is only going to end up making you feel more stressed and heavy inside.

I think, at some point these past few years, I learnt that I shouldn't acknowledge these bad feelings at all - I should always strive for the best, be the best, and never let my guard down with anyone. Never show that I'm hurt. I think I've learned this from other people, and while its helped me in achieving goals and making things happen with my life, its not helped my happiness as I have kept all of these emotions over the years locked up inside me and refused to let them out.

Everybody seems to think that these feelings indicate weakness, but I don't think that's true anymore. There is obviously a fine line between never trying to be happy and allowing yourself to feel sad when you need to, but I think our emotions make us alive.
Its good to feel things. Even sadness, when we're sad, we should cry and allow ourselves to be sad, but not forever. When we're angry we should scream, when we're happy we should smile and laugh.

The only way you're going to get rid of your negative emotions is by letting them go, but you truly have to let yourself feel them first - keeping them inside you and ignoring them for so long will eventually backfire as they will come out in one big explosion as you keep piling more and more stuff inside you, because your body won't be able to take it anymore.
And once you acknowledge these feelings you have to take the appropriate steps after it - whatever the problem is, you should face it, no matter how frightening and awful, so you can eventually figure out a way to solve it, and say goodbye to it for good.
Our emotions need to be released in order for them to be let go. Next time you feel something you're ashamed of, don't hide from it, don't ignore it - allow yourself to truly bask in it, and feel it.

They do not mean that anything is wrong with you, or what you're feeling is unjustified. They mean that you are real. You are human.
And once you learn to realise that you are not alone, that everybody else has problems too and something they're insecure of, then it will become a lot easier to deal with.

I'm not going to keep things inside anymore. I'm going to learn to deal with my problems face on, and stop being afraid to feel my emotions.

We are all imperfect beings, no one can do everything right and no one has never slipped up in their entire life - and I think once we realise this and come to terms with our own demons, it will become so much simpler to move on.

I'm still determined to keep an optimistic view on life, but I will remind myself that it's ok not to be ok all the time, and to be kind to myself - most importantly, that everything will be ok in the end.

'There is no progress without struggle'

“Accept troubles as an inevitable part of your life, and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all… this too shall pass.”