"Mistakes and failures are the catalysts of growth and wisdom"
Many people assume that 'quitting' automatically makes you a failure.
'Quitters never win and winners never quit', right?
Wrong. Well, in my opinion anyway.
For me, quitting takes a lot of courage. I've had many personal experiences involving me withdrawing myself from things - certain exams in school I didn't bother with, dropped out of two colleges within a space of a few weeks, and left two jobs within two months.
That obviously doesn't sound very good - and at the time, it wasn't. I had a very tough time in school, especially during the last two years. You know, the period of time when the pressure starts to build up as you start preparing for your GCSE's, revising for exams, picking your options, etc. I remember it all sort of feeling very rushed; like all these previous years of high school and primary school, it didn't matter if you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life yet. Then suddenly, it did, like a big gush of wind taking you by surprise. And, I'm sure like most people, I wasn't prepared. The thought had always crossed my mind - what I wanted to do with my life, where I saw it going, for example. But I was in no rush to give greater, deeper thought to it. Concern, even. But suddenly, you had to make all these important decisions that would basically determine your future. The options you picked, defining your interests, and possible career paths for you. And then from there on, you needed to succeed with these exams so you could even get in college, then ace college so you could go to university, then make sure the money you spent on uni was worth it by picking the right kind of degree, and then sticking to that field or area your degree was in by getting a good, highly paid job to pay back the debt of your uni costs. Oh, and on top of that, you need to make sure you enjoy it. Otherwise, money wasted!
So yeah, there's a lot to take in and consider with all that. Obviously, I was one of those people who was highly stressed with it all - I let the pressure get to me, already accepted (assumed) I was going to fail everything, and my indecisiveness with what I actually wanted to do with my life didn't help things either.
And I realise now, that it's my fear of failing that's paralyzed me from living my life. From taking a chance with things, and taking a risk.
Apart from the exams I didn't sit, it was only two, but I didn't fail everything. In fact I got much better grades than I was expecting. Especially with subjects I was passionate about - English and Media, I did very well in. That's probably why I did succeed with them to be honest, because they were areas I was interested in, and it was pretty good considering I had a lot of time off school in the year. But it just went to show, there was really nothing to worry about, because my hard work paid off for those particular subjects and I wasted a hell of a lot of time worrying about the end result!
Anyway, so after that was college - I started with one particular college doing a course in creative and media. At the time, I still had pretty low self-confidence - so learning something new, in a new place, and meeting new people, was terrifying to me. Most people would find that exciting, but I was just nervous - again, imagined the worst outcomes in my head. Like hating the course, not getting on with the people, not liking the college in general, etc. And well, honestly, most of those things became true, haha. Hate is a strong word, but I realised the course I was on wasn't the kind of media field I was interested in - while some of it was fun, it wasn't really for me. And the people.. well, they were nice most of the time, but I just didn't feel like I belonged with any of them. They were different, really. So after about a week there, I left. I don't regret leaving this place as much because I know it was genuinely the course that I didn't enjoy doing, so I don't feel too bad about that.
Then after that, I decided to go back to my sixth form, and try doing four A levels instead - all of which subjects I was quite interested in. English language/literature, Media studies, Sociology, and Psychology. I quite enjoyed the time I spent there. I was back with my friends again, we had fun in lessons, and I actually enjoyed the subjects too. But eventually, during the week just before half term, I remember being in a lesson and finding the work really difficult. Everyone around me was doing better, or at least I thought they were - they seemed to know what they were doing! And obviously, comparing myself with everyone else, I really panicked. I thought "I'm just going to end up failing, there's no point" and that was that. I can't remember how long I was there for, but it wasn't long, and the fear of failing and all my insecurities returned again, causing me to drop out.
I constantly have moments where I wish things turned out differently. I constantly think back to how things would of been, should of been, where I would be now if I had just stuck with it. If I had not let that fear, the fear of the unknown, get to me. But, it did. And honestly, there's no point in me looking back anymore.
I've learned my lesson. I shouldn't regret what I did, I should just learn from it and move on. It took me a while to see the silver lining in the cloud, to realise my mistakes and make a positive change from there on, but honestly, I think I needed that time to fully understand. I always beat myself up for it, but really, I couldn't help it - we all have our insecurities, I just let them get the best of me. But if it weren't for that situation, how would I know now not to let my insecurities creep back into my life in the future?
Since then, quite a lot has happened. I've had some ups and downs in the past year and a half. I think my main milestone for me was when I finally got a job, apprenticeship even. It was my first ever job, and after all that time applying to stuff, sending out my cv everywhere, the effort had finally paid off. And, even though I left that place - due to stress again, but mostly because I disliked the tasks I was given with that job - I honestly think it's really helped me get over the grievance of my situations with college. It gave me a new start, and a new hope, for better things.
Since I had gotten so bored and so used to the idea of sitting at home everyday, I immediately set out on finding my next job, a part-time one preferably, and I wasted no time doing that - after sending lots more CV's out in town, I got a job as a waitress in an ice cream parlour/cafe about a week after. Ain't exactly amazing but I wasn't fussed - I thought I could handle it (oh how I was wrong). Hang on, wait. I've just contradicted myself there. I mean I can't exactly criticize myself for actually believing in myself for a change - I guess I just tried it, and just like how some things aren't suited to some people, this was definitely the case with me!
I didn't exactly do my job wrong.. or mess up horribly, or get sacked. But once I was there, even though it was only the one day, I realised I hated waitressing. I messed up orders, spilt ice cream over myself and counters a lot, and just found it way too stressful, so yes - I quit! And you know what, at first I felt guilty about this too and regretted it again. I had just got another job, and I gave it up straight away. But the way I see it, if you don't like something, if you're wholeheartedly not happy with something and don't enjoy what you're doing - why the hell should you stay? I had no meaningful reason to, so I didn't. I quit so I could find something better, make way for better things. A job that I would actually be comfortable doing. So I'm proud I'm not one of those people who is afraid to leave things they aren't happy with!
Right now, my situation is that I'm still looking for work (this has been pro-longed because of a situation involving a knee injury, but that's another story for another time) but I am happy to say that I will be trying college again this September. A different approach this time however - I'll be doing a night course instead, so I'll just be doing an English Language a level, and maybe a Psychology one too if I get the money together - I think it'll benefit me as it's less stressful than doing four different subjects 5 times a week haha. Since these are in the evening, you only go in one or two days a week depending how many subjects you do, and the rest of the time off you have to study in your own time at home, and I think that's much more suited to me to be honest haha!
But yeah, anyway, I feel a lot more content with my life right now. It's been quite a journey getting this far and trying to turn things around for myself again, but I'm glad to say that I think I'm finally getting there. It's been hard, and it's been emotional, but now I'm actually starting to see hope again.
And honestly, I've learned so much from everything that's happened. I used to regret these 'mistakes' of mine to such a huge extent - I thought I'd never get anywhere from them, and that I'd ruined my life forever. But I was wrong. These things that have happened, all these events and twists and turns, have shaped me into who I am today. I'm still learning how to be proud with who I am now, and not to think of myself as some sort of 'failure'. But I'm starting to be thankful for all that's happened recently and in the past, because if none of that would of happened, then I wouldn't have learnt not to let my worrying control me, my thinking to become obsessive, my insecurities to shape the way I live my life, and that little, inner critic voice in my head stop me from doing the things I want to do. Everything is scary - everything can be feared, but it's when you learn to control this fear that you truly accomplish great things. You may never feel ready for anything - in fact, you will always doubt yourself. But the fact is, you probably are ready. You are ready already! And if you don't at least try new things, how will you ever know?
My message to everyone out there is to not let those worries, fears, insecurities, flaws, mistakes, regrets, inner negative voice and self-defeating thoughts possess you, and take over your life. Don't let them determine your life, instead, believe in your strengths, your values, and the positive thoughts in your mind. If you don't have any positive thoughts, put them there.
And the most important thing I've learned is to never waste any more of your time dwelling on your mistakes - it is out of your control now, just learn from it and be thankful for the lesson it taught you. Use it as your motivation and driving force to move on from it and create a better life for yourself.
Mine have happened but I'm using that to teach me to not give up with things straight away just because I'm fearful of it going wrong - chances are, it won't. But if it does, failing beats the hell out of never trying anyway!
And don't be afraid to quit something you don't like either - I always felt bad for doing this, especially because of what people around me would think of me for it, but I read an article recently about how quitting is a good thing because it allows you to make time for yourself, to find out who you are and to learn what you really want, and to actually make time for the things you want to do instead. You open up so many more, new opportunities for yourself, and that alone is a pretty positive outcome from quitting.
Find what it is you're passionate about, take time out if you need to learn more about yourself and don't be afraid to discover what it really is you want out of your life!
And, in a way, I've never been a quitter - I'm still here now, after many setbacks, still determined to keep trying new things and pursue the life I've wanted!
"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."
"Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing." H. Stanley Judd
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