I've been having some difficult times recently (obviously) and it's been pretty hard to come to terms with. I'm slightly embarrassed alone by what I wrote on here last night and I'm still not certain about the purpose of it, and that was only a tiny insight into what's been running around my mind recently. If I were to document my every thought of everyday, I'd be writing a draft for a very, very long time haha.
The problem is though, a lot of what I think is muddled. It's proved very hard for me to actually come to terms with what on earth I've been feeling, never mind to actually write about it and put it into contextual words that make some sort of sense. I've just been so confused... it's as if I've been through a phase of feeling intense anger, to sadness and lack of confidence/faith in anything, moments of depression and no motivation, and then those moments when I woke up, and could barely remember anything from the day before.
When I wake up every morning, or at least every morning this past week, I've always felt really calm and peaceful. Nothing is making me feel uncomfortable - I'm just able to actually have my mind be at rest for once. Or at least for a few minutes until I get up and start the day. It's a nice feeling, but for some reason I wasn't able to make it last.
This all sounds depressing I know, but there's a point to it, I promise. A more uplifting, on a higher-note type of point. Even though I may of only just discovered it myself, but I am more able to see the positive in situations now.
There's been a number of factors contributing to my stress at the moment - there was one situation that happened last week that sort of turned things around for me. Or go downhill from there, shall I say. It was an emotional and personal issue, and I think from that alone, I lost sight of what was important and forgot about my drive and focus in life again.
Since I had lost that, everything else seemed to fall apart. Okay perhaps I'm over-exaggerating, but that's what it felt like at the time. Everything just started getting to me - college stuff, money issues, not really sure where my life was going, etc. So essentially I've just been overwhelmed with everything, hence why I haven't really understood what exactly I was feeling and how to solve it.
When I'm faced with a problem, or when I'm miserable, I like to be able to solve it straight away. Recognise what it is, come to terms with it, and then learn how to move on from it.
But since I couldn't direct the exact issue and cause of why I was feeling this certain way, or at least couldn't do anything to change what had initially upset me, I lost hope and thought I was beyond help. I didn't know where to turn to, what to do next, how to actually make myself better - nothing seemed to work.
And with all these big life-changing decisions currently entering my life, it made the stress and the pain even worse, and harder to deal with. I've been faced with dilemmas while trying to make these decisions and be happy with my choices but I wasn't getting anywhere, as I wasn't really thinking about what would make me happy.
I was trying to make these decisions based on what other people would think. What was everyone else doing? What should I be doing? What would be easiest, even if I didn't enjoy myself?
And that was the point I was missing. It only struck me tonight but constantly, throughout life, we're thinking about what we should be doing, and how to go about this, to live a successful life.
But I wasn't putting my happiness first.
I just thought about what I should be doing, and what would be the most logical and simplest way of doing things. Somewhere along the way, we just put all our needs and wants aside, and start questioning why we can't do certain things, where we need to improve, what we need to start doing etc. But isn't the whole point of life to enjoy it?
Put it this way - you could make a lot of money from doing something, you could be deemed as 'successful' in your field of work and be financially stable, but if you aren't happy with what you're doing, and you're just living this life because you think that it's what you're supposed to be living, regardless of whether you're happy with it or not, then what's the point? You will never find happiness within these things unless you actually love it, and you will never be happy unless you do what you love.
I'm babbling on here and I hope what I'm saying is actually making a bit of sense, but my point is that I've just been doing what I've been doing because it's what I thought was expected of me. Planning ahead and thinking in terms of what would be 'best' for me, but in reality, not really thinking about whether I'd be happy doing it.
We can the shape the happiness in our lives. We can choose to make it a reality. I should never feel guilty about a choice I make, if it's what makes me happy. Because it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, or what society expects, or what the 'normal' way is to go about things. All that matters is that the choices you make reflect how you want to feel, and we can make the decision to be happy and do things our way, do what we want, any moment we choose.
Sometimes living your dream life doesn't involve what job you do, but the way you actually live your life. And when you make the decision to be happy and live a happy life, all those decisions that once seemed so hard to make will suddenly become clear to you. They have to me. I know what would make me happiest and that's how I intend to live. :-)
Start living life on your terms!
Also, please read this, which is basically just a better explanation of what I've been trying to say and what inspired me to change how I live and write this!
"So the first thing to do is to let go of the notion that it’s different for you ,or that somehow you are not allowed to live the life you want. Let go of the notion that you’re somehow not deserving of that privilege. Stop marginalizing yourself.You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. That’s the whole point of living – to experience the joy of it."
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