Life Changing Decisions

So, not really sure how to start off this post today, but I think it's fair to say that this past week has been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster for me, to say the least.

I've been having some difficult times recently (obviously) and it's been pretty hard to come to terms with. I'm slightly embarrassed alone by what I wrote on here last night and I'm still not certain about the purpose of it, and that was only a tiny insight into what's been running around my mind recently. If I were to document my every thought of everyday, I'd be writing a draft for a very, very long time haha.
The problem is though, a lot of what I think is muddled. It's proved very hard for me to actually come to terms with what on earth I've been feeling, never mind to actually write about it and put it into contextual words that make some sort of sense. I've just been so confused... it's as if I've been through a phase of feeling intense anger, to sadness and lack of confidence/faith in anything, moments of depression and no motivation, and then those moments when I woke up, and could barely remember anything from the day before.
When I wake up every morning, or at least every morning this past week, I've always felt really calm and peaceful. Nothing is making me feel uncomfortable - I'm just able to actually have my mind be at rest for once. Or at least for a few minutes until I get up and start the day. It's a nice feeling, but for some reason I wasn't able to make it last.

This all sounds depressing I know, but there's a point to it, I promise. A more uplifting, on a higher-note type of point. Even though I may of only just discovered it myself, but I am more able to see the positive in situations now.

There's been a number of factors contributing to my stress at the moment - there was one situation that happened last week that sort of turned things around for me. Or go downhill from there, shall I say. It was an emotional and personal issue, and I think from that alone, I lost sight of what was important and forgot about my drive and focus in life again.

Since I had lost that, everything else seemed to fall apart. Okay perhaps I'm over-exaggerating, but that's what it felt like at the time. Everything just started getting to me - college stuff, money issues, not really sure where my life was going, etc. So essentially I've just been overwhelmed with everything, hence why I haven't really understood what exactly I was feeling and how to solve it.

When I'm faced with a problem, or when I'm miserable, I like to be able to solve it straight away. Recognise what it is, come to terms with it, and then learn how to move on from it.

But since I couldn't direct the exact issue and cause of why I was feeling this certain way, or at least couldn't do anything to change what had initially upset me, I lost hope and thought I was beyond help. I didn't know where to turn to, what to do next, how to actually make myself better - nothing seemed to work.

And with all these big life-changing decisions currently entering my life, it made the stress and the pain even worse, and harder to deal with. I've been faced with dilemmas while trying to make these decisions and be happy with my choices but I wasn't getting anywhere, as I wasn't really thinking about what would make me happy.

I was trying to make these decisions based on what other people would think. What was everyone else doing? What should I be doing? What would be easiest, even if I didn't enjoy myself?

And that was the point I was missing. It only struck me tonight but constantly, throughout life, we're thinking about what we should be doing, and how to go about this, to live a successful life.
But I wasn't putting my happiness first.

I just thought about what I should be doing, and what would be the most logical and simplest way of doing things. Somewhere along the way, we just put all our needs and wants aside, and start questioning why we can't do certain things, where we need to improve, what we need to start doing etc. But isn't the whole point of life to enjoy it?

Put it this way - you could make a lot of money from doing something, you could be deemed as 'successful' in your field of work and be financially stable, but if you aren't happy with what you're doing, and you're just living this life because you think that it's what you're supposed to be living, regardless of whether you're happy with it or not, then what's the point? You will never find happiness within these things unless you actually love it, and you will never be happy unless you do what you love.

I'm babbling on here and I hope what I'm saying is actually making a bit of sense, but my point is that I've just been doing what I've been doing because it's what I thought was expected of me. Planning ahead and thinking in terms of what would be 'best' for me, but in reality, not really thinking about whether I'd be happy doing it.

We can the shape the happiness in our lives. We can choose to make it a reality. I should never feel guilty about a choice I make, if it's what makes me happy. Because it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, or what society expects, or what the 'normal' way is to go about things. All that matters is that the choices you make reflect how you want to feel, and we can make the decision to be happy and do things our way, do what we want, any moment we choose.

Sometimes living your dream life doesn't involve what job you do, but the way you actually live your life. And when you make the decision to be happy and live a happy life, all those decisions that once seemed so hard to make will suddenly become clear to you. They have to me. I know what would make me happiest and that's how I intend to live. :-)

Start living life on your terms!

Also, please read this, which is basically just a better explanation of what I've been trying to say and what inspired me to change how I live and write this!

"So the first thing to do is to let go of the notion that it’s different for you ,or that somehow you are not allowed to live the life you want. Let go of the notion that you’re somehow not deserving of that privilege. Stop marginalizing yourself.You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. That’s the whole point of living – to experience the joy of it."

The Importance Of Listening To Yourself, And How To Feed Your Happiness

It's occurred to me recently that we often get so caught up in life and its emotional journeys that we tend to forget the importance of ourselves.

Think about it - when was the last time you were good to yourself? Not just by taking care of yourself physically and fulfilling your body's needs, but mentally too. Are you listening to yourself? To what your mind is saying, to what it is asking, to what it really needs?

You may be thinking yes - I hear myself think all the time and it drives me up the wall, in fact I have to try to block it out - and you're not alone. This is probably me all over.

But as I'm thinking now, I've only just realised that whilst I'm listening to all these crazy thoughts rushing around my head at a 100mph, telling me what I need, what I don't have, what I haven't done yet, etc, it's creating more stress and doing me less good.
I'm not helping it in any way. I'm not helping myself. And this is because while so many things are happening in life all at once - new things, bad things, good things, unexpected things - we block out that voice inside us and forget what it is we really need.

I've been ignoring mine. Whilst so many things have been turning around for me, and my emotions are constantly up and down, I've forgot to fill my mind with positive thoughts and remind myself that I will get through whatever is troubling me. I haven't been good to myself, in fact, I've been the complete opposite.

I read a blog post just before about the importance of 'feeding your happiness'. At first I was confused by what this meant, but as I read on, it made more and more sense and I thought to myself "how have I not realised this before?". It is from this yoga blog and here is a quote explaining the concept:

"Nothing can survive without food, not even suffering. No animal or plant can survive without food. In order for our love to survive, we have to feed it. If we don’t feed it, or we feed it the wrong kind of nutrients, our love will die. In a short time, our love can turn into hate. Our suffering, our depression also needs food to survive. If our depression refuses to go away, it’s because we keep feeding it daily."

I could never see it back then but when I was going through quite a depressing time in my life, I was feeding my depression! The things I thought would make me better, and by thinking that I would magically feel better one day without making any real effort, were in fact stopping me and holding me back from making any progress and actually feeling happier. Because of my moods, I just responded to it, went along with it, and expected them to disappear in their own time. And because of that, I always wondered why it was I felt that way for such a long time.

Each person has their own different needs, and in that article, the writer used yoga as a way to help herself out of that rut - that was what she needed. But no matter who you are, you know what that means to you, and only you know what your real needs are. It may be a number of things you need to start doing, in order to actually build happiness into your life and keep on feeding it by doing what is necessary to make you happy, but that is the case for me also, and I know it may take a lot of effort and a lot of patience as well as time to get there, but I believe that it's possible. As long as I remember to keep feeding my happiness, enforce positive thoughts into my mind daily (even when so much drama is going on in my life) and remind myself that I will be okay and make it through, I know that I'll be looking after myself mentally and physically. I will of achieved the importance of being good to myself, and whatever has happened, I will heal naturally over time.

"Happiness is an innate quality already within, like the capacity to breathe or be compassionate. As I began to reconnect to my ability to breathe life into joy, effortlessly, the bond between my intuition and my heart began to heal and solidify. Again, I was humbly reminded that there is a reason we call it a practice and not graduation. It’s okay to fall, to break, and rise back stronger."

How Quitting Taught Me A Valuable Lesson - And How It's Made Me Stronger

"Mistakes and failures are the catalysts of growth and wisdom"

Many people assume that 'quitting' automatically makes you a failure.

'Quitters never win and winners never quit', right?

Wrong. Well, in my opinion anyway.

For me, quitting takes a lot of courage. I've had many personal experiences involving me withdrawing myself from things - certain exams in school I didn't bother with, dropped out of two colleges within a space of a few weeks, and left two jobs within two months.
That obviously doesn't sound very good - and at the time, it wasn't. I had a very tough time in school, especially during the last two years. You know, the period of time when the pressure starts to build up as you start preparing for your GCSE's, revising for exams, picking your options, etc. I remember it all sort of feeling very rushed; like all these previous years of high school and primary school, it didn't matter if you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life yet. Then suddenly, it did, like a big gush of wind taking you by surprise. And, I'm sure like most people, I wasn't prepared. The thought had always crossed my mind - what I wanted to do with my life, where I saw it going, for example. But I was in no rush to give greater, deeper thought to it. Concern, even. But suddenly, you had to make all these important decisions that would basically determine your future. The options you picked, defining your interests, and possible career paths for you. And then from there on, you needed to succeed with these exams so you could even get in college, then ace college so you could go to university, then make sure the money you spent on uni was worth it by picking the right kind of degree, and then sticking to that field or area your degree was in by getting a good, highly paid job to pay back the debt of your uni costs. Oh, and on top of that, you need to make sure you enjoy it. Otherwise, money wasted!

So yeah, there's a lot to take in and consider with all that. Obviously, I was one of those people who was highly stressed with it all - I let the pressure get to me, already accepted (assumed) I was going to fail everything, and my indecisiveness with what I actually wanted to do with my life didn't help things either.
And I realise now, that it's my fear of failing that's paralyzed me from living my life. From taking a chance with things, and taking a risk.

Apart from the exams I didn't sit, it was only two, but I didn't fail everything. In fact I got much better grades  than I was expecting. Especially with subjects I was passionate about - English and Media, I did very well in. That's probably why I did succeed with them to be honest, because they were areas I was interested in, and it was pretty good considering I had a lot of time off school in the year. But it just went to show, there was really nothing to worry about, because my hard work paid off for those particular subjects and I wasted a hell of a lot of time worrying about the end result!

Anyway, so after that was college - I started with one particular college doing a course in creative and media. At the time, I still had pretty low self-confidence - so learning something new, in a new place, and meeting new people, was terrifying to me. Most people would find that exciting, but I was just nervous - again, imagined the worst outcomes in my head. Like hating the course, not getting on with the people, not liking the college in general, etc. And well, honestly, most of those things became true, haha. Hate is a strong word, but I realised the course I was on wasn't the kind of media field I was interested in - while some of it was fun, it wasn't really for me. And the people.. well, they were nice most of the time, but I just didn't feel like I belonged with any of them. They were different, really. So after about a week there, I left. I don't regret leaving this place as much because I know it was genuinely the course that I didn't enjoy doing, so I don't feel too bad about that.
Then after that, I decided to go back to my sixth form, and try doing four A levels instead - all of which subjects I was quite interested in. English language/literature, Media studies, Sociology, and Psychology. I quite enjoyed the time I spent there. I was back with my friends again, we had fun in lessons, and I actually enjoyed the subjects too. But eventually, during the week just before half term, I remember being in a lesson and finding the work really difficult. Everyone around me was doing better, or at least I thought they were - they seemed to know what they were doing! And obviously, comparing myself with everyone else, I really panicked. I thought "I'm just going to end up failing, there's no point" and that was that. I can't remember how long I was there for, but it wasn't long, and the fear of failing and all my insecurities returned again, causing me to drop out.

I constantly have moments where I wish things turned out differently. I constantly think back to how things would of been, should of been, where I would be now if I had just stuck with it. If I had not let that fear, the fear of the unknown, get to me. But, it did. And honestly, there's no point in me looking back anymore.
I've learned my lesson. I shouldn't regret what I did, I should just learn from it and move on. It took me a while to see the silver lining in the cloud, to realise my mistakes and make a positive change from there on, but honestly, I think I needed that time to fully understand. I always beat myself up for it, but really, I couldn't help it - we all have our insecurities, I just let them get the best of me. But if it weren't for that situation, how would I know now not to let my insecurities creep back into my life in the future?

Since then, quite a lot has happened. I've had some ups and downs in the past year and a half. I think my main milestone for me was when I finally got a job, apprenticeship even. It was my first ever job, and after all that time applying to stuff, sending out my cv everywhere, the effort had finally paid off. And, even though I left that place - due to stress again, but mostly because I disliked the tasks I was given with that job - I honestly think it's really helped me get over the grievance of my situations with college. It gave me a new start, and a new hope, for better things.
Since I had gotten so bored and so used to the idea of sitting at home everyday, I immediately set out on finding my next job, a part-time one preferably, and I wasted no time doing that - after sending lots more CV's out in town, I got a job as a waitress in an ice cream parlour/cafe about a week after. Ain't exactly amazing but I wasn't fussed - I thought I could handle it (oh how I was wrong). Hang on, wait. I've just contradicted myself there. I mean I can't exactly criticize myself for actually believing in myself for a change - I guess I just tried it, and just like how some things aren't suited to some people, this was definitely the case with me!
I didn't exactly do my job wrong.. or mess up horribly, or get sacked. But once I was there, even though it was only the one day, I realised I hated waitressing. I messed up orders, spilt ice cream over myself and counters a lot, and just found it way too stressful, so yes - I quit! And you know what, at first I felt guilty about this too and regretted it again. I had just got another job, and I gave it up straight away. But the way I see it, if you don't like something, if you're wholeheartedly not happy with something and don't enjoy what you're doing - why the hell should you stay? I had no meaningful reason to, so I didn't. I quit so I could find something better, make way for better things. A job that I would actually be comfortable doing. So I'm proud I'm not one of those people who is afraid to leave things they aren't happy with!

Right now, my situation is that I'm still looking for work (this has been pro-longed because of a situation involving a knee injury, but that's another story for another time) but I am happy to say that I will be trying college again this September. A different approach this time however - I'll be doing a night course instead, so I'll just be doing an English Language a level, and maybe a Psychology one too if I get the money together - I think it'll benefit me as it's less stressful than doing four different subjects 5 times a week haha. Since these are in the evening, you only go in one or two days a week depending how many subjects you do, and the rest of the time off you have to study in your own time at home, and I think that's much more suited to me to be honest haha!

But yeah, anyway, I feel a lot more content with my life right now. It's been quite a journey getting this far and trying to turn things around for myself again, but I'm glad to say that I think I'm finally getting there. It's been hard, and it's been emotional, but now I'm actually starting to see hope again.

And honestly, I've learned so much from everything that's happened. I used to regret these 'mistakes' of mine to such a huge extent - I thought I'd never get anywhere from them, and that I'd ruined my life forever. But I was wrong. These things that have happened, all these events and twists and turns, have shaped me into who I am today. I'm still learning how to be proud with who I am now, and not to think of myself as some sort of 'failure'. But I'm starting to be thankful for all that's happened recently and in the past, because if none of that would of happened, then I wouldn't have learnt not to let my worrying control me, my thinking to become obsessive, my insecurities to shape the way I live my life, and that little, inner critic voice in my head stop me from doing the things I want to do. Everything is scary - everything can be feared, but it's when you learn to control this fear that you truly accomplish great things. You may never feel ready for anything - in fact, you will always doubt yourself. But the fact is, you probably are ready. You are ready already! And if you don't at least try new things, how will you ever know?

My message to everyone out there is to not let those worries, fears, insecurities, flaws, mistakes, regrets, inner negative voice and self-defeating thoughts possess you, and take over your life. Don't let them determine your life, instead, believe in your strengths, your values, and the positive thoughts in your mind. If you don't have any positive thoughts, put them there.

And the most important thing I've learned is to never waste any more of your time dwelling on your mistakes - it is out of your control now, just learn from it and be thankful for the lesson it taught you. Use it as your motivation and driving force to move on from it and create a better life for yourself.
Mine have happened but I'm using that to teach me to not give up with things straight away just because I'm fearful of it going wrong - chances are, it won't. But if it does, failing beats the hell out of never trying anyway!

And don't be afraid to quit something you don't like either - I always felt bad for doing this, especially because of what people around me would think of me for it, but I read an article recently about how quitting is a good thing because it allows you to make time for yourself, to find out who you are and to learn what you really want, and to actually make time for the things you want to do instead.  You open up so many more, new opportunities for yourself, and that alone is a pretty positive outcome from quitting.

Find what it is you're passionate about, take time out if you need  to learn more about yourself and don't be afraid to discover what it really is you want out of your life!

And, in a way, I've never been a quitter - I'm still here now, after many setbacks, still determined to keep trying new things and pursue the life I've wanted!

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

"Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing." H. Stanley Judd