Continued Post - Eating Disorders and My Self Discovery

Hello!

So, yes, I've finally gotten round to continuing the blog post about opening up and eating disorders (I know a few days late but whatever I've been busy!) and so today I will be discussing the topic itself and my experience with it.

Whenever somebody mentioned eating disorders in the past, the only things that ever came to my mind were anorexia and bulimia. I honestly didn't think there was much else to it - if you were overweight you didn't necessarily have an eating disorder, you were just overweight, and if you weren't extremely underweight and could actually stomach down a meal, there was no way you could have an eating disorder, so there was probably nothing wrong with you.

A few months ago, probably around the beginning of summer, I started taking the pill. This was just for health reasons - my periods were very irregular and I was constantly on them - so I went to the doctors with my mum to sort it out and they suggested I go on that for about 3 months, just to get my menstrual cycle back on track and at a healthy, normal level again.
As for the period front, they worked. I was able to control my periods, when I wanted them to start and stop, and the genuine crabbiness I had felt for so long over this frustrating business had come to an end! But, whilst I was still taking them and probably into the second month by now, my weight increased a lot. I can't remember exactly when, or when I even started to realise, but I ended up putting on a stone over the course of time I was on it. I actually wrote about this whilst it was all happening, how it was making me feel, and you can find the original blog post here.
I remember reading about the possible side effects of the pill when I first got them - I noticed the 'weight loss/weight gain' side effect, and whilst hoping it would be a 'weight loss' instead of weight gain, I had no idea I would of ever gained that much from the pill alone.
Even when I googled these side effects, trying to find out whether other women were experiencing the same problem, a lot of the websites I read claimed that the pill had nothing to do with weight gain, and it was all of the own woman's accord (even if this were true, I still believe the pill has definite side effects of increased appetite). So, as a result of this, I felt as if all of this weight gain was my own fault, and I was the one to blame - poor diet, not enough exercise - even though I was doing pretty much the same things as I was doing before I went on the pill!
I just recall feeling incredibly bloated all the time, constantly looking in the mirror in disgust at how fat I'd become. I mean, family would still say that I wasn't 'fat', and in a way they were right, I was still a healthy weight for my age and height. But still, I felt repulsive at myself, and horrified/ashamed that I had neglected my body in this way and done this to myself.
I hopped on the scales one night and saw that I'd reached 8 stone 12 pounds. This was a shock to me, as before then, whenever I weighed myself, I was always only 8 stone and a few pounds - never over 8 stone 5. And obviously this caused me to panic - I had to rethink everything, my diet, my lifestyle choices, what I now had to do and give up in order to lose this gained weight.
It was kinda horrible, really. I remember the next day I had decided to start a 'diet'. Really, this was like a crash diet. A sudden, unexpected, unwelcomed change to how I eat, and my body did not respond well to it at all. My family were pretty concerned for me - my dad was glad I was deciding to eat healthier, but I know my mum and everyone else had thought I'd gone off the rails! I decided to cut out all of these bad foods I was so used to eating everyday, workout at least 3 times a week, and start counting my calories in my food and work out my daily calorie intake. I figured out how much I needed to be consuming to be the weight I wanted to be, and I tried really hard to stick with it.
It was hard. Really, really hard. I think the sudden deprivation of anything nice and sugary didn't help me at all, and probably made things worse in the long run. Counting calories and seeing what I couldn't eat made me more depressed than anything. The working out was crazy - I forced my body into too much all at once, probably more than it could handle, and over worked myself to the point of exhaustion.
I think by the end of the week, I was pretty fed up with it. I don't know if I allowed myself the one day off to eat whatever I wanted, or permitted myself the weekend to do that, but I remember weighing myself to see if I had even lost anything, and I'm pretty sure I was exactly the same. After all that effort, I hadn't lost a thing, and I think that's when I really went into my downward spiral.
It was just chaos from there on - because I had restricted my intake of food and cut out all of the stuff I enjoyed eating before completely and suddenly, my body probably went into starvation mode, and because I was so hungry and probably emotionally distressed at the fact I hadn't lost anything, I just ended up eating more and more again.
Then, as a result of this, I went back on the scales at some point and seen that I had gained more weight - I was probably about nine and a half stone at this point. This was still a pretty normal weight to be at according to my bmi, but still, I felt horrified by it.
I can't really remember much else that happened after this - I definitely didn't do a crash diet like that again, but I do remember looking at websites my mum was on for quick, temporary diets that yield results. I did consider them for a while, but don't think I ever did any.
It was a week before my holiday to France, and because I wanted so badly to at least look ok in a swimsuit, I cut down on my junk food again (but not completely) and made an effort to exercise and use the wii fit religiously every day. As usual, the exercise didn't do much good, and I was probably the same on holiday as  I was previously (I was still taking the pill at this point).
I think once September came, the packet of my medication was nearing empty, and gradually I finished the pill. I remember feeling quite relieved after this - I had hope in me that I would probably start eating normally again now, and hopefully my weight would drop down at least a little bit. I actually started to notice these results near enough straight away - I definitely stopped being as hungry, stopped craving sugary things as much as I did, and, eventually, my weight seemed to decrease too. I gradually dropped down to 8 stone 9, then eventually 8 stone 8, 8 stone 7, 8 stone 6, and now, 8 stone 5.
I lost pretty much a whole stone within a matter of a month. I currently weigh 8 stone 5 now (I think anyway, weighed myself last week!) and have gotten myself into a better eating pattern.
I decided to stick it at 3 main meals a day, including one treat before I go to bed. I also try to do at least one full workout a week, usually when I'm sat at home not really doing anything, and using the exercise bike occasionally. This did actually work well for a while, and over time, I actually started being able to see my hip bones and rib-cage again - well, rib-cage if I breathed in very far, but that wasn't possible before! My clothes started to fit me well again, they flattered me more, I could put on stuff that I wouldn't of dared to wear a few months back. It felt very liberating - and, it just went to show, that the pill I was on DID IN FACT cause a huge change in my weight. Even if it just increased my appetite, there's no way I would of gained and lost all that weight so quickly without the pill being an influence.

So, as a result, I started to forgive myself. Realising that it wasn't necessarily me or my fault alone to blame for the sudden weight gain, it was easier for me to feel relaxed about what I was eating again. It was also kind of a pain knowing that as much as I did try to control my weight back then - it didn't and would of made absolutely no difference anyway! But I can't deny that I have felt much more happier being back to this weight again, feeling more in control of myself, and just plain feeling like 'me' again.. it's good to be back!

However, on the downside, the feelings of happiness and contentment with how I look haven't lasted long. Unfortunately, I think a lot of my insecurities on what I went through during that period of weight gain have stayed with me. The loss of control, the anxieties - and now I have this horrible fear inside of me that one day I will gain it all back and lose control again.

Since losing all of the weight again, I've been trying to maintain the current weight I'm at, and I do this by using a calorie tracker online - I type in the food I had that day and it comes up with the number of calories I consumed, then with a number of how much more I can have that day, in order to maintain the weight I want. It's a pretty good idea, and it has helped me stick to it, but, unfortunately, it does have it's downsides.
For some reason, I find it hard to ever pick up anything more without checking how many calories are in it first. You could say I'm obsessed with calories, if something has too much I won't go near it, and I've basically been living my life by it!

Because of this, I've noticed that I have a tendency to want to indulge more - some days, I'll just be so fed up of sticking within these boundaries I've set for myself and limiting the amount of food I can have, that I just get the most incredible urges to eat everything in sight! I'll just wanna stuff my face with as much junk food as I can find, and then afterwards after I usually do this, I end up feeling guilty, resentful, and I'm back to hating myself again.
I noticed this last week, in fact, when I was at the shop with my brother and we were buying food to snack on. I tried to blame my urges on my time of the month (a legitimate excuse but not the only reason) and even before I'd eaten the food, I started to have feelings of guilt. I had this overwhelming desire to just eat all of it, and it was very hard to stop myself once I started - but at the same time, I felt angry and annoyed at myself for doing it.
I just had a brainwave, a sudden realisation that this behaviour can't be considered normal. It just simply isn't! I knew it myself, I've known for so long that my obsession with food weight and calories is not of a normal standard, and in a desperate need for help, I took to the internet again to find out just whether I had a problem or not.

And to be honest with you, I was pretty shocked. Shocked at what I had found, but also, not surprised in a way, as really it was what I expected. I took an online eating disorder test, and upon reading the first few lines 'if food rules your life, you may have an eating disorder' I knew I had to take it and find out for sure..

The questions in the test really stood out to me because a lot of the stuff that was listed was stuff I have actually done and still do. My behaviour and thoughts are the same, and it's through this test that I've realised a lot of those things aren't normal at all. I often find myself preoccupied with food, I never feel satisfied with my eating patterns, I often eat a lot of food even when I'm not hungry, I can never eat high calorie food without feeling guilty,  I occasionally weigh myself, I occasionally try to diet but always lose control, I can never feel relaxed if I overeat, I never feel in control of my weight, my weight occasionally yo-yo's, I am never flexible in my eating habits, I never feel relaxed about my body weight, other people occasionally worry about my eating habits, I always count the calories of whatever I eat, and I always feel ashamed of the amount of food I can eat.

Even today - the same thing has happened as last week, where I've consumed a lot of junk food at once. This time, it wasn't a complete urge, just something I wanted to do. I figured it can't hurt to treat myself like that once a week, but because of the amount of food I ate I now feel guilty again, and when I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat. This is what it's constantly like for me - I have to watch how much I'm eating, I'm always assessing my body to see if I have put on any weight, and then it's followed by the rush and panic to try and lose it again. Often though, I'll go back on the scales and discover that I haven't really gained anything at all - I'll still be around 8 stone 5, even though I feel like I've put something on. At least that's what's happened the last few times, but still, I continue to feel scared and at a loss of control over my own body.
After completing the test, this is what the results showed -




'You have scored 43. 

31-45
Do you feel in control of your eating behaviour? Most of the time you do, but there is some anxiety that has crept into your relationship with food: this is showing up in your eating behaviour. Are you aware of how much energy you are putting into controlling your eating habits? Take care that this does not become a full-time preoccupation with how much you weigh and how much you are trying not to eat.
There is a direct connection between how relaxed you are with food and your general self-esteem. If your confidence is a little shaky, controlling your eating behaviour can be a diversionary tactic. Try to work out what it is that is really bothering you. Or what your real coping difficulties are.
You are sensitive to all the conflicting messages around you concerning food and weight. You may feel that you cannot accept yourself unless you are a certain size. Relax a little and learn to accept yourself as you are. If you restrain your food intake too much, this is bound to have a rebound effect sooner or later. It is also confusing listening to all the conflicting advice out there about what healthy eating really means.
Do you feel less of a person if you are not following some kind of obscure dietary regime?. Again, learn to relax, and listen to your body. Be kind to yourself. The old adage, 'a little of what you fancy does you good', still holds true. Food is a means to a happy healthy life - not an end in itself.'

I could honestly answer yes to pretty much all of the questions here - and I feel like I relate with everything it says. I do feel inadequate if I'm not a certain size, and there is definitely a direct connection between food and my self-esteem - I've noticed that my self-confidence definitely affects the way I eat, and whenever I'm upset or in need of comfort, I will usually turn to food to fill in that void. The diversionary tactic could also be true - my own self confidence in life needs work and by feeling like I have some control of my eating behaviour makes me feel better about myself, but really I think there are other areas of myself and my life that need addressing.

I know there's nothing wrong with having a little treat every now and again, but I think the problem within me lies in not knowing when to stop, and not having much power to stop.
Another type of eating disorder was listed below the results, along with anorexia and bulimia. I already knew the last two, but the first one was new to me -  and it sounded very familiar:


'Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.'

I've definitely been through a stage like this in my life - and I think this happened the most when I was emotionally eating. I'm not as bad as this anymore, however, but I do feel very ashamed of my eating habits, and I also hope that someday I can eat normally like everybody else - to not feel guilty and ashamed when I eat something typically unhealthy, but to have the self control to stop myself and no longer feel the need to fill my body pointlessly with this type of food.

I think since being aware of this, it's helped me to gain perspective and not beat myself up so much for it anymore. I know that this isn't typical normal behaviour, and is gonna be a lot harder to get control back over. I don't think I have a serious eating disorder right now, but I do know that I have a lot of anxieties and difficulties when it comes to my relationship with food. It's gonna take time, but I think as long as I can be kind with myself, learn to recognise when I'm emitting these unhelpful behavious, and take a step back then I should be ok and back to myself within time. I think the whole shock with putting on weight and fears surrounding that time a few months ago have caused all this, but I'm determined to put it behind me and create a new, healthier lifestyle for myself. I've already tried not counting my calories this week, and as hard as that's been, with feeling like I'm not in control and have no idea how much I'm eating, I've managed it more or less. I will probably still do the calorie tracker occasionally, just to keep myself on track and maintain that healthy weight, but I will not deprive myself of food when I'm hungry, and will allow myself to have a treat without feeling terribly guilty afterwards (or at least try! haha).

Anyway, on a last note, throughout this week I've been trailing and trailing the web again on how to feel beautiful and happy with yourself.. or even to just believe you're beautiful. I've come across some great blog posts, including this one, and I found it really helpful and true. It's made me realise that comparing myself to others and assuming that other people judge me solely on my flaws are one of the lethal crimes of self-confidence, and probably one of the reasons my insecurities have been so heightened.

I especially loved this quote from the post:

'When women evaluate their physical attractiveness, they compare themselves with an idealized standard of beauty, such as a fashion model. In contrast, when both men and women evaluate their intelligence, they do not compare themselves to Einstein, but rather to a more mundane standard.'



I'll say it before and I'll say it again - the media portrays such unrealistic and unachievable standards for women in today's society. It is no wonder that us girls feel the need to have perfect bodies when we are constantly comparing ourselves to airbrushed and starved models, and this goes for perfect skin, hair, teeth too - everything!

I hope to reach a stage within myself that is no longer concerned or worried about every little mundane aspect of my looks. To just realistically say that I am human, a perfectly flawed human, but that's ok. I am more important than the number on my scales, and more important than the impossible chase for perfection will ever be. I am real.

Opening up: My Nose and Eating Disorders

This week, I've learned quite a lot about myself.

As well as coming to terms with and having to face my deepest insecurities, I've learned a lot about myself - bad habits I've gotten myself into, the root causes of my insecurities, and about conventional ideas of beauty in general.


So, to start off this post, I'm going to be talking about my nose.

My nose is something I've hated pretty much all my life - and, a lot of the time, has been something I'm the most self-conscious and insecure of.
I think it started in my early teens, when I became a lot more aware of my appearance and 'beauty' became the most important thing in my life to focus on. When you start high school, girls suddenly become interested in boys and trying to look better than other girls, so comparing yourself to everyone else is inevitable, and with the pressure from the media and fashion magazines telling us what is conventionally 'beautiful' I fell right into the trap of self-analysing and scrutinizing every little thing about my appearance.
I noticed my nose was slightly larger than most people's, and how most of the attractive girls in my school had little ones. I'm sure I've had some comments on it over the years as well, but for some reason, I thought that because my nose wasn't tiny like everyone else's, it meant I wasn't beautiful.
Most of the time, I tried to ignore it and tell myself it wasn't a big deal (no pun intended), but it was difficult. Even when I sometimes felt pretty, or even people complimenting me and boys starting to be interested in me, I always felt like it made me ugly, and that other people weren't being honest or had ulterior motives. It's stupid now I think about it - the only person who's ever made such a fuss out of it is myself, but it's still been a challenge accepting myself for it.
And plenty of times, I discovered photos of myself from the side on, and remember feeling mortified at what it looked like - I guess I didn't really realise for so long what it actually looked like, so it took me by surprise and I remember feeling so ugly because of it for ages.
I've been working hard to try and accept it and see it differently since - I'll look in the mirror sometimes and try to tell myself it's not that bad, or take photos of myself side on, and for some reason I usually feel better after that. What I saw in the mirror then didn't look so bad on camera, and I feel the more I've actually been aware of it, the easier it's been to accept it and love it the way it is. I still have my bad days occasionally - I'll self-loathe for a while and consider having surgery just because I've wanted it smaller so badly, and I've just wanted to stop feeling uncomfortable with it, really.

I had these exact thoughts last night. The self-love project I've been trying to undertake has forced me to really try to embrace and love everything about myself, but that means everything, and my nose has probably been the hardest thing to love.
As I was so fed up of it last night, I found myself falling back into that cycle of looking at rhinoplasty costs, whether I'd be able to afford it, whether I really wanted it, etc. Of course it's not the first thing you really want to do - in fact it's my last option, if anything - but really I didn't see any other choice. I've tried to love it unconditionally, and it hasn't worked, so I guess I started looking for the easiest way out of my self-hatred and insecurities.
Before this, though, I really just wanted to know what other people thought. Because, there may be a chance that I'm overreacting to the whole thing - and I didn't want to go through surgery when really, my nose isn't that bad, and it's not absolutely necessary.
Obviously I've already talked about my problems and asked friends and family about my nose worries, but I've always felt that a lot of the time they just didn't want to offend me, and were just being polite when they told me it was fine and I had nothing to worry about.

So, wanting a second opinion, I took to the internet (useful for some things) and asked complete strangers their opinion on my nose, and whether they think I need a nose job. I noted that I wasn't attention seeking, but just wanted honest answers, and I also asked whether any of them had gone through rhinoplasty, what their experience was, and whether it made them feel better afterwards, or whether they regretted it.

These were the pictures I posted:

Front view:                                                    Side view:

                                                            Second front view:

Overall, I was quite happy with the response I received. I did get some comments like 'your nose is kind of big, you should get one if you're uncomfortable with it' and that I have 'a great nose, but looks a little off in some spots' and if they were a doctor they would make it just a tiny bit thinner at the bottom, but 'other than that it's fine'. Also, that in the first picture, it looks 'kind of weird on the tip but from the side it looks fine' (which was strange because I always thought the side looked the worst!) but, despite all that, I firstly can't complain as I did ask for honest answers - and, compared with the rest of the positive comments I got, these don't really concern me at all anymore! I think I'm honestly ok with not having a 'perfect' nose.. and because of the rest of the comments I received, I think I'm starting to see it in a new light. The majority of the answers were actually positive about my nose, and here's what they said:

"No. I love your nose the way it is.<3 I wish I had it!

Also, some of my family have had Rhinoplasty before and they said they regret it most of the time. They said that because they miss their Natural look."

"No! You actually have a beautiful face, and I honestly think a nose job might ruin it!

P.S. you have beautiful eyes ;)"

         "No"

(Straight to the point haha..)

"I used to always want a nose job. I thought my nose was big and I hated it! But my boyfriend laughed at me when I told him that and said my nose wasn't even close to being big and that I'd be uglier if I got it because I was already perfect. My point being...you'll find someone who loves how you look and everything about your appearance! You're gorgeous just wait for the right guy to come along:)"

"You're beautiful.If anyone tells you different, ignore them,If you're in your teens then your face is still growing- your nose is going to fit your face more properly when you're older.I love your nose, it's so nice! You don't need anything!! :)"

"You look fine, you worry too much. : ) I would date you. ( ;"

"No, you look beautiful"

"Nope you are perfect the way you are"

I'm really happy with the answers I received from this - and in a way, I'm so glad I even had the thoughts of rhinoplasty and asking people's opinion on my nose, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't of come to realise that I am the only one who saw it as a major problem and I wouldn't of seen it in the way I do now! And as a result of this, I do now see my nose as a good thing - even if it's not extremely small, it's still beautiful and makes me beautiful. It makes me who I am - it adds character to my face, and no I wouldn't say it's perfect, but maybe imperfection is a beautiful thing. It's all about how we perceive things.

I don't really see 'big' as a bad thing anymore either.. my nose is perfect the way it is. I think society has made us feel like having a nose bigger than average is a bad thing, or unattractive, but I don't think that's true anymore. I mean these people who answered my question are proof enough that I don't need a tiny nose to be beautiful, but my nose is so unique and distinct that it's probably had such a long history in my family - who knows where I've inherited it from, but the fact that it's lasted this long is pretty awesome and beautiful in itself. I know I've got my bump from my dad and my mum's nostrils, so I should be proud of that - and honestly, I think the bumpiness of my nose is what makes it gorgeous!

Now I feel like I can embrace my nose - no more worrying about what people will think of it or what it looks like, no more trying to hide it - it's mine and I'm going to own it. I think my nose is long and elegant, and the quirky bump makes it cute. Besides, the rest of my face might of not looked as good if I was born with any other nose but my own! So I'm going to make the most of it and embrace my natural beauty :-)


As for the eating disorders thing, I will continue about that on a new post, but overall I think it's been vital to really explore my insecurities and the reasons for them, in order to actually learn to love them and accept them. The self-love project really involves me taking a deeper look at myself, exploring my flaws and gruelingly personal aspects about myself that I've been afraid to embrace. But I think after today, I'm one step closer to where I want to be.

xo


Extra thoughts:

As my very wise friend once pointed out, things could be a lot worse, and my nose could be a lot worse - take Voldemort for example - he doesn't have one! I should just be thankful that I have one to begin with!
;-)

                                                

• Psychologists have also performed research on cosmetic surgery, and as well as, in a lot of cases, patients regretting the procedure afterwards, their research has shown that it doesn't lead to permanent happiness. Extract from The Daily Mail, psychologist Linda Papadopoulos:

"Many people think if they fix their nose they fix their life, but there's no evidence of that. You'd expect that after plastic surgery there would be a lift in self-esteem. In fact research shows that any self-esteem boost is temporary. As soon as it goes, the patient feels they need to get something else altered."

- Another reason I'm glad I never went through with the decision to have surgery - god knows what else I would of fixated about next?!

Update

(Quick update on how I've been feeling and how well the self-love project has been working so far!)


DAY 1:

(Extract from my phone)

I've felt amazing today. It's like all the stuff I've assigned myself to do is already having an effect, and making such a positive impact on me and my self image already. A few minutes ago, I was just browsing through my pictures on my phone, and closely analysing spots and other perceived 'flaws' on my face,  so obviously immediately got those feelings of low self-esteem and doubt. But I acknowledged the feeling, read my blog post again and reminded myself of all the important things I need to remember, and it worked! Its like I just need to keep giving myself a reality check, and once I recognised that those were just my negative, self-defeating thoughts again, I was able to get rid of them a lot quicker. Good to see this is working already :)

DAY 2/3:

I'm not gonna lie, the past day and today have been kinda hard. I don't really know what's changing, I mean maybe with the whole college thing and getting ready, it gets me too focused on my appearance again, but idk. I'm tired as well right now, currently in bed, so forgive me if whatever I say doesn't make sense and I ramble on too much!
I mean, it's just hard to stay positive. There a few things I have failed at already, and tbh I was kinda expecting that. Things like the photo taking, flaw-picking, focusing too much again on the things I don't like about myself rather than just being happy enough with the good things. Too much time in front of the mirror, checking reflections when I'm out again, and definitely the thoughts creeping back in! I haven't made as much of an effort though to shun them out this time, and I guess it's because I still see it as my reality. I've thought this way for such a long time it's become my reality now, and what I believe to be fact, so it's kinda hard to just start re-programming my brain like this.
Another thing that I think highly depends on my levels of self-acceptance and self-love would be the kind of mood I'm in. I've noticed that when I'm in a bad, depressed, sad or angry mood, then I tend to feel more negatively about myself, too. I lack the motivation and drive to keep trying to accept myself, and the effort to keep telling myself good things. It's hard to be nice to yourself! Especially if you think you aren't doing so well in other things, either.
I guess this is where appearance isn't just concerned. I need to be kind to myself about everything. Every struggle I face and life decision I've made, I really need to just support myself. Be ok with me and how I choose to live my life. Not easy!
I have done some things quite well though. I haven't been completely hating and stressed out on my appearance the whole time, last night I felt very happy with how I looked, and today I was as well a little bit with some aspects of my appearance, but it was just when I went out and started looking in mirrors, one look at my skin and I'm like 'oh my god I look terrible' and it seems to put me in a mood for the rest of the day. I mean, I can't win really - whilst I'm trying to focus on accepting myself and loving my appearance, it involves thinking too much about what I look like anyway, and it's hard to put my mind on anything else. So trying not to acknowledge anything to do with how I look for a while is a very hard task.
And, if I don't remind myself of this list enough, my memory goes sloppy and I forget the things I wrote on it, and how I'm not supposed to be doing certain things I've been doing.

I just wish I didn't even really have to think so much about any of this, or worry myself so much over stuff like this. Mad to think how all this has stemmed from some past thing, most likely, but all this has been built up over the years and it's probably going to take just as long to change the way I think completely.

And, I find myself still seeking the approval of others, even though I shouldn't - I sometimes feel that if  I don't have what I would consider to be the validation of a man, then I don't look good. It's daft but these things have just become habit now.

Anyway, I'm probably over-thinking now - I've been feeling a bit negative tonight but I think I'm just tired and need sleep. And rest. So on that note, good night - and I will try again with my big mission tomorrow. I'm not giving up yet! Struggle is necessary for progress ;)

xo

Life Changing Decisions

So, not really sure how to start off this post today, but I think it's fair to say that this past week has been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster for me, to say the least.

I've been having some difficult times recently (obviously) and it's been pretty hard to come to terms with. I'm slightly embarrassed alone by what I wrote on here last night and I'm still not certain about the purpose of it, and that was only a tiny insight into what's been running around my mind recently. If I were to document my every thought of everyday, I'd be writing a draft for a very, very long time haha.
The problem is though, a lot of what I think is muddled. It's proved very hard for me to actually come to terms with what on earth I've been feeling, never mind to actually write about it and put it into contextual words that make some sort of sense. I've just been so confused... it's as if I've been through a phase of feeling intense anger, to sadness and lack of confidence/faith in anything, moments of depression and no motivation, and then those moments when I woke up, and could barely remember anything from the day before.
When I wake up every morning, or at least every morning this past week, I've always felt really calm and peaceful. Nothing is making me feel uncomfortable - I'm just able to actually have my mind be at rest for once. Or at least for a few minutes until I get up and start the day. It's a nice feeling, but for some reason I wasn't able to make it last.

This all sounds depressing I know, but there's a point to it, I promise. A more uplifting, on a higher-note type of point. Even though I may of only just discovered it myself, but I am more able to see the positive in situations now.

There's been a number of factors contributing to my stress at the moment - there was one situation that happened last week that sort of turned things around for me. Or go downhill from there, shall I say. It was an emotional and personal issue, and I think from that alone, I lost sight of what was important and forgot about my drive and focus in life again.

Since I had lost that, everything else seemed to fall apart. Okay perhaps I'm over-exaggerating, but that's what it felt like at the time. Everything just started getting to me - college stuff, money issues, not really sure where my life was going, etc. So essentially I've just been overwhelmed with everything, hence why I haven't really understood what exactly I was feeling and how to solve it.

When I'm faced with a problem, or when I'm miserable, I like to be able to solve it straight away. Recognise what it is, come to terms with it, and then learn how to move on from it.

But since I couldn't direct the exact issue and cause of why I was feeling this certain way, or at least couldn't do anything to change what had initially upset me, I lost hope and thought I was beyond help. I didn't know where to turn to, what to do next, how to actually make myself better - nothing seemed to work.

And with all these big life-changing decisions currently entering my life, it made the stress and the pain even worse, and harder to deal with. I've been faced with dilemmas while trying to make these decisions and be happy with my choices but I wasn't getting anywhere, as I wasn't really thinking about what would make me happy.

I was trying to make these decisions based on what other people would think. What was everyone else doing? What should I be doing? What would be easiest, even if I didn't enjoy myself?

And that was the point I was missing. It only struck me tonight but constantly, throughout life, we're thinking about what we should be doing, and how to go about this, to live a successful life.
But I wasn't putting my happiness first.

I just thought about what I should be doing, and what would be the most logical and simplest way of doing things. Somewhere along the way, we just put all our needs and wants aside, and start questioning why we can't do certain things, where we need to improve, what we need to start doing etc. But isn't the whole point of life to enjoy it?

Put it this way - you could make a lot of money from doing something, you could be deemed as 'successful' in your field of work and be financially stable, but if you aren't happy with what you're doing, and you're just living this life because you think that it's what you're supposed to be living, regardless of whether you're happy with it or not, then what's the point? You will never find happiness within these things unless you actually love it, and you will never be happy unless you do what you love.

I'm babbling on here and I hope what I'm saying is actually making a bit of sense, but my point is that I've just been doing what I've been doing because it's what I thought was expected of me. Planning ahead and thinking in terms of what would be 'best' for me, but in reality, not really thinking about whether I'd be happy doing it.

We can the shape the happiness in our lives. We can choose to make it a reality. I should never feel guilty about a choice I make, if it's what makes me happy. Because it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, or what society expects, or what the 'normal' way is to go about things. All that matters is that the choices you make reflect how you want to feel, and we can make the decision to be happy and do things our way, do what we want, any moment we choose.

Sometimes living your dream life doesn't involve what job you do, but the way you actually live your life. And when you make the decision to be happy and live a happy life, all those decisions that once seemed so hard to make will suddenly become clear to you. They have to me. I know what would make me happiest and that's how I intend to live. :-)

Start living life on your terms!

Also, please read this, which is basically just a better explanation of what I've been trying to say and what inspired me to change how I live and write this!

"So the first thing to do is to let go of the notion that it’s different for you ,or that somehow you are not allowed to live the life you want. Let go of the notion that you’re somehow not deserving of that privilege. Stop marginalizing yourself.You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. That’s the whole point of living – to experience the joy of it."