As well as coming to terms with and having to face my deepest insecurities, I've learned a lot about myself - bad habits I've gotten myself into, the root causes of my insecurities, and about conventional ideas of beauty in general.
So, to start off this post, I'm going to be talking about my nose.
My nose is something I've hated pretty much all my life - and, a lot of the time, has been something I'm the most self-conscious and insecure of.
I think it started in my early teens, when I became a lot more aware of my appearance and 'beauty' became the most important thing in my life to focus on. When you start high school, girls suddenly become interested in boys and trying to look better than other girls, so comparing yourself to everyone else is inevitable, and with the pressure from the media and fashion magazines telling us what is conventionally 'beautiful' I fell right into the trap of self-analysing and scrutinizing every little thing about my appearance.
I noticed my nose was slightly larger than most people's, and how most of the attractive girls in my school had little ones. I'm sure I've had some comments on it over the years as well, but for some reason, I thought that because my nose wasn't tiny like everyone else's, it meant I wasn't beautiful.
Most of the time, I tried to ignore it and tell myself it wasn't a big deal (no pun intended), but it was difficult. Even when I sometimes felt pretty, or even people complimenting me and boys starting to be interested in me, I always felt like it made me ugly, and that other people weren't being honest or had ulterior motives. It's stupid now I think about it - the only person who's ever made such a fuss out of it is myself, but it's still been a challenge accepting myself for it.
And plenty of times, I discovered photos of myself from the side on, and remember feeling mortified at what it looked like - I guess I didn't really realise for so long what it actually looked like, so it took me by surprise and I remember feeling so ugly because of it for ages.
I've been working hard to try and accept it and see it differently since - I'll look in the mirror sometimes and try to tell myself it's not that bad, or take photos of myself side on, and for some reason I usually feel better after that. What I saw in the mirror then didn't look so bad on camera, and I feel the more I've actually been aware of it, the easier it's been to accept it and love it the way it is. I still have my bad days occasionally - I'll self-loathe for a while and consider having surgery just because I've wanted it smaller so badly, and I've just wanted to stop feeling uncomfortable with it, really.
I had these exact thoughts last night. The self-love project I've been trying to undertake has forced me to really try to embrace and love everything about myself, but that means everything, and my nose has probably been the hardest thing to love.
As I was so fed up of it last night, I found myself falling back into that cycle of looking at rhinoplasty costs, whether I'd be able to afford it, whether I really wanted it, etc. Of course it's not the first thing you really want to do - in fact it's my last option, if anything - but really I didn't see any other choice. I've tried to love it unconditionally, and it hasn't worked, so I guess I started looking for the easiest way out of my self-hatred and insecurities.
Before this, though, I really just wanted to know what other people thought. Because, there may be a chance that I'm overreacting to the whole thing - and I didn't want to go through surgery when really, my nose isn't that bad, and it's not absolutely necessary.
Obviously I've already talked about my problems and asked friends and family about my nose worries, but I've always felt that a lot of the time they just didn't want to offend me, and were just being polite when they told me it was fine and I had nothing to worry about.
So, wanting a second opinion, I took to the internet (useful for some things) and asked complete strangers their opinion on my nose, and whether they think I need a nose job. I noted that I wasn't attention seeking, but just wanted honest answers, and I also asked whether any of them had gone through rhinoplasty, what their experience was, and whether it made them feel better afterwards, or whether they regretted it.
These were the pictures I posted:
Front view: Side view:
Second front view:
Overall, I was quite happy with the response I received. I did get some comments like 'your nose is kind of big, you should get one if you're uncomfortable with it' and that I have 'a great nose, but looks a little off in some spots' and if they were a doctor they would make it just a tiny bit thinner at the bottom, but 'other than that it's fine'. Also, that in the first picture, it looks 'kind of weird on the tip but from the side it looks fine' (which was strange because I always thought the side looked the worst!) but, despite all that, I firstly can't complain as I did ask for honest answers - and, compared with the rest of the positive comments I got, these don't really concern me at all anymore! I think I'm honestly ok with not having a 'perfect' nose.. and because of the rest of the comments I received, I think I'm starting to see it in a new light. The majority of the answers were actually positive about my nose, and here's what they said:
"No. I love your nose the way it is.<3 I wish I had it!Also, some of my family have had Rhinoplasty before and they said they regret it most of the time. They said that because they miss their Natural look."
"No! You actually have a beautiful face, and I honestly think a nose job might ruin it!P.S. you have beautiful eyes ;)"
"No"
(Straight to the point haha..)
"I used to always want a nose job. I thought my nose was big and I hated it! But my boyfriend laughed at me when I told him that and said my nose wasn't even close to being big and that I'd be uglier if I got it because I was already perfect. My point being...you'll find someone who loves how you look and everything about your appearance! You're gorgeous just wait for the right guy to come along:)"
"You're beautiful.If anyone tells you different, ignore them,If you're in your teens then your face is still growing- your nose is going to fit your face more properly when you're older.I love your nose, it's so nice! You don't need anything!! :)"
"You look fine, you worry too much. : ) I would date you. ( ;"
"No, you look beautiful"
"Nope you are perfect the way you are"
I'm really happy with the answers I received from this - and in a way, I'm so glad I even had the thoughts of rhinoplasty and asking people's opinion on my nose, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't of come to realise that I am the only one who saw it as a major problem and I wouldn't of seen it in the way I do now! And as a result of this, I do now see my nose as a good thing - even if it's not extremely small, it's still beautiful and makes me beautiful. It makes me who I am - it adds character to my face, and no I wouldn't say it's perfect, but maybe imperfection is a beautiful thing. It's all about how we perceive things.
I don't really see 'big' as a bad thing anymore either.. my nose is perfect the way it is. I think society has made us feel like having a nose bigger than average is a bad thing, or unattractive, but I don't think that's true anymore. I mean these people who answered my question are proof enough that I don't need a tiny nose to be beautiful, but my nose is so unique and distinct that it's probably had such a long history in my family - who knows where I've inherited it from, but the fact that it's lasted this long is pretty awesome and beautiful in itself. I know I've got my bump from my dad and my mum's nostrils, so I should be proud of that - and honestly, I think the bumpiness of my nose is what makes it gorgeous!
Now I feel like I can embrace my nose - no more worrying about what people will think of it or what it looks like, no more trying to hide it - it's mine and I'm going to own it. I think my nose is long and elegant, and the quirky bump makes it cute. Besides, the rest of my face might of not looked as good if I was born with any other nose but my own! So I'm going to make the most of it and embrace my natural beauty :-)
As for the eating disorders thing, I will continue about that on a new post, but overall I think it's been vital to really explore my insecurities and the reasons for them, in order to actually learn to love them and accept them. The self-love project really involves me taking a deeper look at myself, exploring my flaws and gruelingly personal aspects about myself that I've been afraid to embrace. But I think after today, I'm one step closer to where I want to be.
xo
Extra thoughts:
As my very wise friend once pointed out, things could be a lot worse, and my nose could be a lot worse - take Voldemort for example - he doesn't have one! I should just be thankful that I have one to begin with!
;-)
- Psychologists have also performed research on cosmetic surgery, and as well as, in a lot of cases, patients regretting the procedure afterwards, their research has shown that it doesn't lead to permanent happiness. Extract from The Daily Mail, psychologist Linda Papadopoulos:
"Many people think if they fix their nose they fix their life, but there's no evidence of that. You'd expect that after plastic surgery there would be a lift in self-esteem. In fact research shows that any self-esteem boost is temporary. As soon as it goes, the patient feels they need to get something else altered."
- Another reason I'm glad I never went through with the decision to have surgery - god knows what else I would of fixated about next?!
No comments:
Post a Comment