The Power Of Positive Thinking

When we think positive, we are creating a garden of beautiful thoughts in our mind.

Thinking positive doesn't just mean having only positive thoughts, either. Positive thinking is not just thinking about the good things in life - it is about turning the bad things, the negatives, into learning opportunities, into roots for growth.

Happiness is a state of mind, and when we learn to alter our perception, to see things from a different point of view, that is when we have mastered positive thinking.

Positive thinking sets you free. Positive thinking is letting go, being at one with yourself, being at peace with the world. It's accepting those around you without judgement, accepting yourself without judgement, just being. 

Having gratitude. Being kind. Knowing, in our hearts, that everything will be okay. 

Positive thoughts then become a sort of beautiful. Not a conventional kind of beautiful, not a physical beauty - just something that is noticed instinctively, and admired immediately. 

But, having said that, those beautiful thoughts do end up showing up on ourselves. They manifest into our exterior. It's as if our soul awakens, is reborn, and we begin to carry this light around with us wherever we go. This beacon of hope. Of possibility. Of love.

Our beautiful thoughts not only show up on our faces in the form of a smile, but they also subtly appear in the form of our actions. When we think positive things to ourselves, we naturally become them, we act on behalf of them, thus our actions become beautiful. Our kind, warm actions to others. To ourselves. To the planet. It is in that moment, that it is not only our minds that are beautiful.

We become beautiful.

Big News!

Hi!

So, I figured it's been sort of a while since I last posted on here - but I have some news to share with you all about a new blog I've just started! :-)

When I last posted on here, I mentioned how I wanted to start something new for 2013 - originally, it was just going to be some added features on this blog, but instead, I decided to start fresh and create a new one dedicated entirely to my personal style, beauty, and fashion.

It's called emiliciastyle.blogspot.co.uk, and since I've only just started it out, I'm going to be testing it first. I really just want to get a feel of the whole fashion/beauty journalism thing, and since a fashion journalist is kinda what I'm aspiring to be in the future, I'm making sure I try it out now, just to see whether I actually enjoy it and can get the hang of it. It's obviously just for fun again, but I'm excited about it and enjoying having it so far - so hopefully it will last. Watch this space!

So go on over to the link, follow it if you can, subscribe by email, whatever - and a lot more posts will be coming your way shortly!

Have a fab day

Emily x

Jealousy: That Green Eyed Monster

Let me start off this post by saying I, Emily Friday, am a jealous person. I am a typical Scorpio, and I have had these jealous traits for as long as I can remember.

Even when I had just started primary school, the jealous feelings towards others had already kicked in - I remember one of my classmates, a beautiful girl, long blonde hair, seemed perfect, boys loved her and she had so much confidence. It's amazing really how I picked up on these things from such a young age, but the jealousy overtook me. At first, I felt admiration towards her. I wanted to be her, I wanted to be friends with her. But, as it turned out, she had a pretty ugly personality. She was sometimes mean to me during school, even high school, and I suspect she was like this with a lot of people. I suppose that's when my feelings towards her turned to jealousy - I didn't like her as a person, in fact I was close to hating her, but for some reason I was still so jealous of her. Her beauty, her confidence - it almost didn't seem fair that such a horrible girl like her be blessed with such good looks. Yet, her confidence obviously landed her a lot of friends, and everybody seemed to like her, which I could never really understand. It wasn't just this girl I was jealous of though, - even my close friends I felt envious towards, and it was something deep rooted inside of me, my own insecurities, that made it so hard to control.

I think, ever since then, my self-esteem and worth in myself has been hugely affected. I've never valued myself enough - if it wasn't that girl I was comparing myself to, it was another one, always someone prettier, better, cuter etc. I was never comfortable being myself. I always wanted to be someone else, or at least a better version of myself. For some reason, I just never felt like I was enough, that I was good enough, because I was constantly comparing myself to other girls.

Over the past few years, I've learned to silence that green eyed monster inside of me more often. I think it got easier once I left school, as I was able to stop comparing myself to other girls on a daily basis, and it felt like the competition of being the best looking girl was finally over. That's all it ever felt like to me, to be honest. Constantly having to compete with others was exhausting!

Apart from that, those feelings of jealousy only propped up occasionally, or whenever I was exposed to media and unrealistic ideals of women's beauty. I became more accepting of my own looks, and trying to be me instead of someone else, but tonight, these exact feelings that I had always experienced in school resurfaced again.

I was casually on Facebook, just browsing people's profiles. I actually stopped doing this as much as well, once I left school - Facebook is always a great cause of jealousy, I think, as we become envious and more aware of other people's popularity, confidence, looks etc. It's ridiculous, really, social networking sites don't represent our real lives, yet we all fall gullible to it and then begin to question our own lives because of it!

But anyway, I came across this girl's profile, and I think I have actually seen her before. Not in person, but I think I remember seeing her facebook a few years ago - I'm not friends with her on there, but I somehow found it again, and honestly, the gorgeousness of this girl is unreal. As soon as I click onto her profile pictures, there's tons of amazing photographs of her, and I'm immediately sucked in into the jealousy/self-hate spiral. I can deal with pretty girls - I've learnt to accept that there will be other pretty girls in life, and that I am pretty myself, but this doesn't matter and shouldn't be a reason for me to be upset. What really irked me about this girl though, however, is that she appears pretty much perfect. I know she probably isn't, underneath all the make-up, hair, and fake tan, but nonetheless  she looks flawless. She has perfect hair, a perfect face, a perfect body, the lot. And to me, I didn't even think perfection on that level of physical attractiveness existed, unless you were a celebrity and insanely rich. But here she was, with an amazing dress sense, 100+ likes on her photos, and boys falling to her feet. The jealous little girl in me rose back again, and I immediately hated this girl. What annoyed me about her, especially, was the fact that she dressed in very skimpy clothes, almost slutty, and I therefore assumed she must of been a slag. Even if she wasn't, she was portraying herself in this way, obviously to desperately seek the attention of guys, and this irritated me. I already don't have much respect for girls who dress and behave in that way, I have a hard time liking them, and therefore took an immediate dislike to this girl. However, as much as I didn't like her for this reason, there was no denying that she was absolutely beautiful. As much as I tried to put her down, find flaws in her, it didn't change how she looked, and it didn't make me any prettier.

After this, however, I suddenly felt very inadequate about my own looks. I started to see myself in a new light, almost in a derogatory way compared to her, and I believed that because I didn't look like her or look as good as she did, this made me unattractive, and simply meant I wasn't good enough. As well as this, I just felt an overwhelming sense of pity, started feeling sorry for myself, and almost felt like it was unfair that this girl could be blessed with such good looks, whilst I'm here, looking the way I do.

All of this just made me wonder - why is it I feel the way I do? Such hate and rivalry to girls who are more physically attractive than me, in my opinion, and why is it so hard for me to deal with? I found this article about women feeling jealous of other women, and it really spoke to me. It made me realise so much actually, about myself, and the whole emotional feeling of jealousy to begin with.

It kind of made me realise that this girl, the girl from my school years ago, and every confident, attractive woman I've ever seen, is all I've ever wanted to be. It's not necessarily that I want to look exactly like them - but I want to be like them in the sense that they are authentic to themselves and really embrace their beauty and uniqueness. I hated this girl because she's doing everything I've wanted to do - she's living how she wants to live, looking how she wants to look, embracing everything about her looks and what she's been given, living confidently in her own skin - everything I want to do, but have been too scared to. We are seeing other women being true to themselves, expressing their individual style and beauty, and when we realise that we haven't been doing the same, this drives us to jealousy. We've not been giving ourselves what we want.

I think once I start to fulfill my own authenticity, be true to myself, and fully embrace the beauty of my unique self, then those feelings of jealousy towards others will eventually begin to disappear. I've always found it hard to make friends with other girls for the exact reason of competition of rivalry, but really, we should admire those who embrace themselves like this, and use them as inspiration for ourselves.

I'm really going to make the effort in embracing who I am, dressing how I've always wanted to, basically being me, but to my full potential. I look forward to fully basking in my beauty, individuality, and femininity! :-)

Update (2013)

Hi!

So I know I'm a bit late with writing on this blog again - sorry!
Following from December, when I first started the self-love project, I guess my life got a bit more busy and hectic than normal. Well, I suppose it was once christmas came, then there was new years, and starting January etc..hence why I hadn't found the time to write about my experience with the project. But, here I am now, and that's what tonight's post will be about!

I guess not too much has changed regarding my body image, if I'm honest. I mean, for one thing, I didn't stick with the rules of the self-love project religiously - after about a week or two the rules became slippy and I either..

a) Forgot them
b) Became preoccupied with other things

Or probably a mix of both! I'm not gonna lie, insecurities crept up again, self-hate spirals, the lot. But, that's not to say I hadn't tried my hardest. Of course there's gonna be days where I won't love myself so much - but I think that's a part of life, and all I'm trying to deal with right now, is getting past the extremely bad days, and be more accepting of who I am.

Honestly, I think the problem lies in me giving too much thought to the whole thing. Perfection, physical beauty, yawn. It's gonna get old eventually! And, what's funny is, I've realised that the only reason I've even obsessed so much over my looks before is because I haven't had much else to worry about/preoccupy my mind with. Whilst everything else in my life has been running pretty smoothly, it's almost as if I needed something to worry about and focus on, and I think that's when the whole obsession with my appearance began again.

Despite not completely succeeding with the whole self-love thing, I sure did learn a lot. I wrote numerous posts even about my journey with it all, and coming to terms with things about my body. Maybe, the most important lesson of them all, was learning not to care so much about my physical appearance in the first place. It's not the most important thing, attractiveness only gets you so far (attractive personalities can help provide more meaningful relationships) and flaws just don't matter. There are plenty of other, more important things in life to focus on, like happiness, loving relationships, careers etc. And being flawed just makes us human. Trying to be perfect is simply a waste of time and emotional energy.

But, even though the self-love project is now over, I will be taking a few things on board and carrying them with me into my life from now on, and into my future (or at least try!). These are the main things I will try my best to do:

• Believe that I am beautiful
• Be beautiful on the inside - be kind and warm to others and myself (that's where beauty starts!)
• Don't spend so much time and energy into my looks - focus on other aspects of my life more, work at building them up and living a more meaningful life
• Love myself as much as I love others

So those are the main, few things anyway - pretty simple and hopefully not too hard to remember!

As for my blog and what kind of posts I'll be doing from now, I've got some new ideas in mind for 2013. Rather than just blogging about random and usually appearance-related stuff, I'm thinking of separating my blog into categories, and have posts dedicated just for advice, maybe some for beauty or style posts, tips, random quotes etc. I've wanted to do a beauty blog for ages - I've just always thought that you needed a shit ton of money to do expensive make-up tutorials, but there's no harm in sharing what I know! And I think posting photos on my style could be pretty cool too..we'll see!

Watch this space!!

Emily x

P.S Check out this great article on feeling beautiful - I love the tips! 

Positive Body Image

Thought this was worth sharing!

X

Continued Post - Eating Disorders and My Self Discovery

Hello!

So, yes, I've finally gotten round to continuing the blog post about opening up and eating disorders (I know a few days late but whatever I've been busy!) and so today I will be discussing the topic itself and my experience with it.

Whenever somebody mentioned eating disorders in the past, the only things that ever came to my mind were anorexia and bulimia. I honestly didn't think there was much else to it - if you were overweight you didn't necessarily have an eating disorder, you were just overweight, and if you weren't extremely underweight and could actually stomach down a meal, there was no way you could have an eating disorder, so there was probably nothing wrong with you.

A few months ago, probably around the beginning of summer, I started taking the pill. This was just for health reasons - my periods were very irregular and I was constantly on them - so I went to the doctors with my mum to sort it out and they suggested I go on that for about 3 months, just to get my menstrual cycle back on track and at a healthy, normal level again.
As for the period front, they worked. I was able to control my periods, when I wanted them to start and stop, and the genuine crabbiness I had felt for so long over this frustrating business had come to an end! But, whilst I was still taking them and probably into the second month by now, my weight increased a lot. I can't remember exactly when, or when I even started to realise, but I ended up putting on a stone over the course of time I was on it. I actually wrote about this whilst it was all happening, how it was making me feel, and you can find the original blog post here.
I remember reading about the possible side effects of the pill when I first got them - I noticed the 'weight loss/weight gain' side effect, and whilst hoping it would be a 'weight loss' instead of weight gain, I had no idea I would of ever gained that much from the pill alone.
Even when I googled these side effects, trying to find out whether other women were experiencing the same problem, a lot of the websites I read claimed that the pill had nothing to do with weight gain, and it was all of the own woman's accord (even if this were true, I still believe the pill has definite side effects of increased appetite). So, as a result of this, I felt as if all of this weight gain was my own fault, and I was the one to blame - poor diet, not enough exercise - even though I was doing pretty much the same things as I was doing before I went on the pill!
I just recall feeling incredibly bloated all the time, constantly looking in the mirror in disgust at how fat I'd become. I mean, family would still say that I wasn't 'fat', and in a way they were right, I was still a healthy weight for my age and height. But still, I felt repulsive at myself, and horrified/ashamed that I had neglected my body in this way and done this to myself.
I hopped on the scales one night and saw that I'd reached 8 stone 12 pounds. This was a shock to me, as before then, whenever I weighed myself, I was always only 8 stone and a few pounds - never over 8 stone 5. And obviously this caused me to panic - I had to rethink everything, my diet, my lifestyle choices, what I now had to do and give up in order to lose this gained weight.
It was kinda horrible, really. I remember the next day I had decided to start a 'diet'. Really, this was like a crash diet. A sudden, unexpected, unwelcomed change to how I eat, and my body did not respond well to it at all. My family were pretty concerned for me - my dad was glad I was deciding to eat healthier, but I know my mum and everyone else had thought I'd gone off the rails! I decided to cut out all of these bad foods I was so used to eating everyday, workout at least 3 times a week, and start counting my calories in my food and work out my daily calorie intake. I figured out how much I needed to be consuming to be the weight I wanted to be, and I tried really hard to stick with it.
It was hard. Really, really hard. I think the sudden deprivation of anything nice and sugary didn't help me at all, and probably made things worse in the long run. Counting calories and seeing what I couldn't eat made me more depressed than anything. The working out was crazy - I forced my body into too much all at once, probably more than it could handle, and over worked myself to the point of exhaustion.
I think by the end of the week, I was pretty fed up with it. I don't know if I allowed myself the one day off to eat whatever I wanted, or permitted myself the weekend to do that, but I remember weighing myself to see if I had even lost anything, and I'm pretty sure I was exactly the same. After all that effort, I hadn't lost a thing, and I think that's when I really went into my downward spiral.
It was just chaos from there on - because I had restricted my intake of food and cut out all of the stuff I enjoyed eating before completely and suddenly, my body probably went into starvation mode, and because I was so hungry and probably emotionally distressed at the fact I hadn't lost anything, I just ended up eating more and more again.
Then, as a result of this, I went back on the scales at some point and seen that I had gained more weight - I was probably about nine and a half stone at this point. This was still a pretty normal weight to be at according to my bmi, but still, I felt horrified by it.
I can't really remember much else that happened after this - I definitely didn't do a crash diet like that again, but I do remember looking at websites my mum was on for quick, temporary diets that yield results. I did consider them for a while, but don't think I ever did any.
It was a week before my holiday to France, and because I wanted so badly to at least look ok in a swimsuit, I cut down on my junk food again (but not completely) and made an effort to exercise and use the wii fit religiously every day. As usual, the exercise didn't do much good, and I was probably the same on holiday as  I was previously (I was still taking the pill at this point).
I think once September came, the packet of my medication was nearing empty, and gradually I finished the pill. I remember feeling quite relieved after this - I had hope in me that I would probably start eating normally again now, and hopefully my weight would drop down at least a little bit. I actually started to notice these results near enough straight away - I definitely stopped being as hungry, stopped craving sugary things as much as I did, and, eventually, my weight seemed to decrease too. I gradually dropped down to 8 stone 9, then eventually 8 stone 8, 8 stone 7, 8 stone 6, and now, 8 stone 5.
I lost pretty much a whole stone within a matter of a month. I currently weigh 8 stone 5 now (I think anyway, weighed myself last week!) and have gotten myself into a better eating pattern.
I decided to stick it at 3 main meals a day, including one treat before I go to bed. I also try to do at least one full workout a week, usually when I'm sat at home not really doing anything, and using the exercise bike occasionally. This did actually work well for a while, and over time, I actually started being able to see my hip bones and rib-cage again - well, rib-cage if I breathed in very far, but that wasn't possible before! My clothes started to fit me well again, they flattered me more, I could put on stuff that I wouldn't of dared to wear a few months back. It felt very liberating - and, it just went to show, that the pill I was on DID IN FACT cause a huge change in my weight. Even if it just increased my appetite, there's no way I would of gained and lost all that weight so quickly without the pill being an influence.

So, as a result, I started to forgive myself. Realising that it wasn't necessarily me or my fault alone to blame for the sudden weight gain, it was easier for me to feel relaxed about what I was eating again. It was also kind of a pain knowing that as much as I did try to control my weight back then - it didn't and would of made absolutely no difference anyway! But I can't deny that I have felt much more happier being back to this weight again, feeling more in control of myself, and just plain feeling like 'me' again.. it's good to be back!

However, on the downside, the feelings of happiness and contentment with how I look haven't lasted long. Unfortunately, I think a lot of my insecurities on what I went through during that period of weight gain have stayed with me. The loss of control, the anxieties - and now I have this horrible fear inside of me that one day I will gain it all back and lose control again.

Since losing all of the weight again, I've been trying to maintain the current weight I'm at, and I do this by using a calorie tracker online - I type in the food I had that day and it comes up with the number of calories I consumed, then with a number of how much more I can have that day, in order to maintain the weight I want. It's a pretty good idea, and it has helped me stick to it, but, unfortunately, it does have it's downsides.
For some reason, I find it hard to ever pick up anything more without checking how many calories are in it first. You could say I'm obsessed with calories, if something has too much I won't go near it, and I've basically been living my life by it!

Because of this, I've noticed that I have a tendency to want to indulge more - some days, I'll just be so fed up of sticking within these boundaries I've set for myself and limiting the amount of food I can have, that I just get the most incredible urges to eat everything in sight! I'll just wanna stuff my face with as much junk food as I can find, and then afterwards after I usually do this, I end up feeling guilty, resentful, and I'm back to hating myself again.
I noticed this last week, in fact, when I was at the shop with my brother and we were buying food to snack on. I tried to blame my urges on my time of the month (a legitimate excuse but not the only reason) and even before I'd eaten the food, I started to have feelings of guilt. I had this overwhelming desire to just eat all of it, and it was very hard to stop myself once I started - but at the same time, I felt angry and annoyed at myself for doing it.
I just had a brainwave, a sudden realisation that this behaviour can't be considered normal. It just simply isn't! I knew it myself, I've known for so long that my obsession with food weight and calories is not of a normal standard, and in a desperate need for help, I took to the internet again to find out just whether I had a problem or not.

And to be honest with you, I was pretty shocked. Shocked at what I had found, but also, not surprised in a way, as really it was what I expected. I took an online eating disorder test, and upon reading the first few lines 'if food rules your life, you may have an eating disorder' I knew I had to take it and find out for sure..

The questions in the test really stood out to me because a lot of the stuff that was listed was stuff I have actually done and still do. My behaviour and thoughts are the same, and it's through this test that I've realised a lot of those things aren't normal at all. I often find myself preoccupied with food, I never feel satisfied with my eating patterns, I often eat a lot of food even when I'm not hungry, I can never eat high calorie food without feeling guilty,  I occasionally weigh myself, I occasionally try to diet but always lose control, I can never feel relaxed if I overeat, I never feel in control of my weight, my weight occasionally yo-yo's, I am never flexible in my eating habits, I never feel relaxed about my body weight, other people occasionally worry about my eating habits, I always count the calories of whatever I eat, and I always feel ashamed of the amount of food I can eat.

Even today - the same thing has happened as last week, where I've consumed a lot of junk food at once. This time, it wasn't a complete urge, just something I wanted to do. I figured it can't hurt to treat myself like that once a week, but because of the amount of food I ate I now feel guilty again, and when I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat. This is what it's constantly like for me - I have to watch how much I'm eating, I'm always assessing my body to see if I have put on any weight, and then it's followed by the rush and panic to try and lose it again. Often though, I'll go back on the scales and discover that I haven't really gained anything at all - I'll still be around 8 stone 5, even though I feel like I've put something on. At least that's what's happened the last few times, but still, I continue to feel scared and at a loss of control over my own body.
After completing the test, this is what the results showed -




'You have scored 43. 

31-45
Do you feel in control of your eating behaviour? Most of the time you do, but there is some anxiety that has crept into your relationship with food: this is showing up in your eating behaviour. Are you aware of how much energy you are putting into controlling your eating habits? Take care that this does not become a full-time preoccupation with how much you weigh and how much you are trying not to eat.
There is a direct connection between how relaxed you are with food and your general self-esteem. If your confidence is a little shaky, controlling your eating behaviour can be a diversionary tactic. Try to work out what it is that is really bothering you. Or what your real coping difficulties are.
You are sensitive to all the conflicting messages around you concerning food and weight. You may feel that you cannot accept yourself unless you are a certain size. Relax a little and learn to accept yourself as you are. If you restrain your food intake too much, this is bound to have a rebound effect sooner or later. It is also confusing listening to all the conflicting advice out there about what healthy eating really means.
Do you feel less of a person if you are not following some kind of obscure dietary regime?. Again, learn to relax, and listen to your body. Be kind to yourself. The old adage, 'a little of what you fancy does you good', still holds true. Food is a means to a happy healthy life - not an end in itself.'

I could honestly answer yes to pretty much all of the questions here - and I feel like I relate with everything it says. I do feel inadequate if I'm not a certain size, and there is definitely a direct connection between food and my self-esteem - I've noticed that my self-confidence definitely affects the way I eat, and whenever I'm upset or in need of comfort, I will usually turn to food to fill in that void. The diversionary tactic could also be true - my own self confidence in life needs work and by feeling like I have some control of my eating behaviour makes me feel better about myself, but really I think there are other areas of myself and my life that need addressing.

I know there's nothing wrong with having a little treat every now and again, but I think the problem within me lies in not knowing when to stop, and not having much power to stop.
Another type of eating disorder was listed below the results, along with anorexia and bulimia. I already knew the last two, but the first one was new to me -  and it sounded very familiar:


'Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.'

I've definitely been through a stage like this in my life - and I think this happened the most when I was emotionally eating. I'm not as bad as this anymore, however, but I do feel very ashamed of my eating habits, and I also hope that someday I can eat normally like everybody else - to not feel guilty and ashamed when I eat something typically unhealthy, but to have the self control to stop myself and no longer feel the need to fill my body pointlessly with this type of food.

I think since being aware of this, it's helped me to gain perspective and not beat myself up so much for it anymore. I know that this isn't typical normal behaviour, and is gonna be a lot harder to get control back over. I don't think I have a serious eating disorder right now, but I do know that I have a lot of anxieties and difficulties when it comes to my relationship with food. It's gonna take time, but I think as long as I can be kind with myself, learn to recognise when I'm emitting these unhelpful behavious, and take a step back then I should be ok and back to myself within time. I think the whole shock with putting on weight and fears surrounding that time a few months ago have caused all this, but I'm determined to put it behind me and create a new, healthier lifestyle for myself. I've already tried not counting my calories this week, and as hard as that's been, with feeling like I'm not in control and have no idea how much I'm eating, I've managed it more or less. I will probably still do the calorie tracker occasionally, just to keep myself on track and maintain that healthy weight, but I will not deprive myself of food when I'm hungry, and will allow myself to have a treat without feeling terribly guilty afterwards (or at least try! haha).

Anyway, on a last note, throughout this week I've been trailing and trailing the web again on how to feel beautiful and happy with yourself.. or even to just believe you're beautiful. I've come across some great blog posts, including this one, and I found it really helpful and true. It's made me realise that comparing myself to others and assuming that other people judge me solely on my flaws are one of the lethal crimes of self-confidence, and probably one of the reasons my insecurities have been so heightened.

I especially loved this quote from the post:

'When women evaluate their physical attractiveness, they compare themselves with an idealized standard of beauty, such as a fashion model. In contrast, when both men and women evaluate their intelligence, they do not compare themselves to Einstein, but rather to a more mundane standard.'



I'll say it before and I'll say it again - the media portrays such unrealistic and unachievable standards for women in today's society. It is no wonder that us girls feel the need to have perfect bodies when we are constantly comparing ourselves to airbrushed and starved models, and this goes for perfect skin, hair, teeth too - everything!

I hope to reach a stage within myself that is no longer concerned or worried about every little mundane aspect of my looks. To just realistically say that I am human, a perfectly flawed human, but that's ok. I am more important than the number on my scales, and more important than the impossible chase for perfection will ever be. I am real.

Opening up: My Nose and Eating Disorders

This week, I've learned quite a lot about myself.

As well as coming to terms with and having to face my deepest insecurities, I've learned a lot about myself - bad habits I've gotten myself into, the root causes of my insecurities, and about conventional ideas of beauty in general.


So, to start off this post, I'm going to be talking about my nose.

My nose is something I've hated pretty much all my life - and, a lot of the time, has been something I'm the most self-conscious and insecure of.
I think it started in my early teens, when I became a lot more aware of my appearance and 'beauty' became the most important thing in my life to focus on. When you start high school, girls suddenly become interested in boys and trying to look better than other girls, so comparing yourself to everyone else is inevitable, and with the pressure from the media and fashion magazines telling us what is conventionally 'beautiful' I fell right into the trap of self-analysing and scrutinizing every little thing about my appearance.
I noticed my nose was slightly larger than most people's, and how most of the attractive girls in my school had little ones. I'm sure I've had some comments on it over the years as well, but for some reason, I thought that because my nose wasn't tiny like everyone else's, it meant I wasn't beautiful.
Most of the time, I tried to ignore it and tell myself it wasn't a big deal (no pun intended), but it was difficult. Even when I sometimes felt pretty, or even people complimenting me and boys starting to be interested in me, I always felt like it made me ugly, and that other people weren't being honest or had ulterior motives. It's stupid now I think about it - the only person who's ever made such a fuss out of it is myself, but it's still been a challenge accepting myself for it.
And plenty of times, I discovered photos of myself from the side on, and remember feeling mortified at what it looked like - I guess I didn't really realise for so long what it actually looked like, so it took me by surprise and I remember feeling so ugly because of it for ages.
I've been working hard to try and accept it and see it differently since - I'll look in the mirror sometimes and try to tell myself it's not that bad, or take photos of myself side on, and for some reason I usually feel better after that. What I saw in the mirror then didn't look so bad on camera, and I feel the more I've actually been aware of it, the easier it's been to accept it and love it the way it is. I still have my bad days occasionally - I'll self-loathe for a while and consider having surgery just because I've wanted it smaller so badly, and I've just wanted to stop feeling uncomfortable with it, really.

I had these exact thoughts last night. The self-love project I've been trying to undertake has forced me to really try to embrace and love everything about myself, but that means everything, and my nose has probably been the hardest thing to love.
As I was so fed up of it last night, I found myself falling back into that cycle of looking at rhinoplasty costs, whether I'd be able to afford it, whether I really wanted it, etc. Of course it's not the first thing you really want to do - in fact it's my last option, if anything - but really I didn't see any other choice. I've tried to love it unconditionally, and it hasn't worked, so I guess I started looking for the easiest way out of my self-hatred and insecurities.
Before this, though, I really just wanted to know what other people thought. Because, there may be a chance that I'm overreacting to the whole thing - and I didn't want to go through surgery when really, my nose isn't that bad, and it's not absolutely necessary.
Obviously I've already talked about my problems and asked friends and family about my nose worries, but I've always felt that a lot of the time they just didn't want to offend me, and were just being polite when they told me it was fine and I had nothing to worry about.

So, wanting a second opinion, I took to the internet (useful for some things) and asked complete strangers their opinion on my nose, and whether they think I need a nose job. I noted that I wasn't attention seeking, but just wanted honest answers, and I also asked whether any of them had gone through rhinoplasty, what their experience was, and whether it made them feel better afterwards, or whether they regretted it.

These were the pictures I posted:

Front view:                                                    Side view:

                                                            Second front view:

Overall, I was quite happy with the response I received. I did get some comments like 'your nose is kind of big, you should get one if you're uncomfortable with it' and that I have 'a great nose, but looks a little off in some spots' and if they were a doctor they would make it just a tiny bit thinner at the bottom, but 'other than that it's fine'. Also, that in the first picture, it looks 'kind of weird on the tip but from the side it looks fine' (which was strange because I always thought the side looked the worst!) but, despite all that, I firstly can't complain as I did ask for honest answers - and, compared with the rest of the positive comments I got, these don't really concern me at all anymore! I think I'm honestly ok with not having a 'perfect' nose.. and because of the rest of the comments I received, I think I'm starting to see it in a new light. The majority of the answers were actually positive about my nose, and here's what they said:

"No. I love your nose the way it is.<3 I wish I had it!

Also, some of my family have had Rhinoplasty before and they said they regret it most of the time. They said that because they miss their Natural look."

"No! You actually have a beautiful face, and I honestly think a nose job might ruin it!

P.S. you have beautiful eyes ;)"

         "No"

(Straight to the point haha..)

"I used to always want a nose job. I thought my nose was big and I hated it! But my boyfriend laughed at me when I told him that and said my nose wasn't even close to being big and that I'd be uglier if I got it because I was already perfect. My point being...you'll find someone who loves how you look and everything about your appearance! You're gorgeous just wait for the right guy to come along:)"

"You're beautiful.If anyone tells you different, ignore them,If you're in your teens then your face is still growing- your nose is going to fit your face more properly when you're older.I love your nose, it's so nice! You don't need anything!! :)"

"You look fine, you worry too much. : ) I would date you. ( ;"

"No, you look beautiful"

"Nope you are perfect the way you are"

I'm really happy with the answers I received from this - and in a way, I'm so glad I even had the thoughts of rhinoplasty and asking people's opinion on my nose, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't of come to realise that I am the only one who saw it as a major problem and I wouldn't of seen it in the way I do now! And as a result of this, I do now see my nose as a good thing - even if it's not extremely small, it's still beautiful and makes me beautiful. It makes me who I am - it adds character to my face, and no I wouldn't say it's perfect, but maybe imperfection is a beautiful thing. It's all about how we perceive things.

I don't really see 'big' as a bad thing anymore either.. my nose is perfect the way it is. I think society has made us feel like having a nose bigger than average is a bad thing, or unattractive, but I don't think that's true anymore. I mean these people who answered my question are proof enough that I don't need a tiny nose to be beautiful, but my nose is so unique and distinct that it's probably had such a long history in my family - who knows where I've inherited it from, but the fact that it's lasted this long is pretty awesome and beautiful in itself. I know I've got my bump from my dad and my mum's nostrils, so I should be proud of that - and honestly, I think the bumpiness of my nose is what makes it gorgeous!

Now I feel like I can embrace my nose - no more worrying about what people will think of it or what it looks like, no more trying to hide it - it's mine and I'm going to own it. I think my nose is long and elegant, and the quirky bump makes it cute. Besides, the rest of my face might of not looked as good if I was born with any other nose but my own! So I'm going to make the most of it and embrace my natural beauty :-)


As for the eating disorders thing, I will continue about that on a new post, but overall I think it's been vital to really explore my insecurities and the reasons for them, in order to actually learn to love them and accept them. The self-love project really involves me taking a deeper look at myself, exploring my flaws and gruelingly personal aspects about myself that I've been afraid to embrace. But I think after today, I'm one step closer to where I want to be.

xo


Extra thoughts:

As my very wise friend once pointed out, things could be a lot worse, and my nose could be a lot worse - take Voldemort for example - he doesn't have one! I should just be thankful that I have one to begin with!
;-)

                                                

• Psychologists have also performed research on cosmetic surgery, and as well as, in a lot of cases, patients regretting the procedure afterwards, their research has shown that it doesn't lead to permanent happiness. Extract from The Daily Mail, psychologist Linda Papadopoulos:

"Many people think if they fix their nose they fix their life, but there's no evidence of that. You'd expect that after plastic surgery there would be a lift in self-esteem. In fact research shows that any self-esteem boost is temporary. As soon as it goes, the patient feels they need to get something else altered."

- Another reason I'm glad I never went through with the decision to have surgery - god knows what else I would of fixated about next?!

Update

(Quick update on how I've been feeling and how well the self-love project has been working so far!)


DAY 1:

(Extract from my phone)

I've felt amazing today. It's like all the stuff I've assigned myself to do is already having an effect, and making such a positive impact on me and my self image already. A few minutes ago, I was just browsing through my pictures on my phone, and closely analysing spots and other perceived 'flaws' on my face,  so obviously immediately got those feelings of low self-esteem and doubt. But I acknowledged the feeling, read my blog post again and reminded myself of all the important things I need to remember, and it worked! Its like I just need to keep giving myself a reality check, and once I recognised that those were just my negative, self-defeating thoughts again, I was able to get rid of them a lot quicker. Good to see this is working already :)

DAY 2/3:

I'm not gonna lie, the past day and today have been kinda hard. I don't really know what's changing, I mean maybe with the whole college thing and getting ready, it gets me too focused on my appearance again, but idk. I'm tired as well right now, currently in bed, so forgive me if whatever I say doesn't make sense and I ramble on too much!
I mean, it's just hard to stay positive. There a few things I have failed at already, and tbh I was kinda expecting that. Things like the photo taking, flaw-picking, focusing too much again on the things I don't like about myself rather than just being happy enough with the good things. Too much time in front of the mirror, checking reflections when I'm out again, and definitely the thoughts creeping back in! I haven't made as much of an effort though to shun them out this time, and I guess it's because I still see it as my reality. I've thought this way for such a long time it's become my reality now, and what I believe to be fact, so it's kinda hard to just start re-programming my brain like this.
Another thing that I think highly depends on my levels of self-acceptance and self-love would be the kind of mood I'm in. I've noticed that when I'm in a bad, depressed, sad or angry mood, then I tend to feel more negatively about myself, too. I lack the motivation and drive to keep trying to accept myself, and the effort to keep telling myself good things. It's hard to be nice to yourself! Especially if you think you aren't doing so well in other things, either.
I guess this is where appearance isn't just concerned. I need to be kind to myself about everything. Every struggle I face and life decision I've made, I really need to just support myself. Be ok with me and how I choose to live my life. Not easy!
I have done some things quite well though. I haven't been completely hating and stressed out on my appearance the whole time, last night I felt very happy with how I looked, and today I was as well a little bit with some aspects of my appearance, but it was just when I went out and started looking in mirrors, one look at my skin and I'm like 'oh my god I look terrible' and it seems to put me in a mood for the rest of the day. I mean, I can't win really - whilst I'm trying to focus on accepting myself and loving my appearance, it involves thinking too much about what I look like anyway, and it's hard to put my mind on anything else. So trying not to acknowledge anything to do with how I look for a while is a very hard task.
And, if I don't remind myself of this list enough, my memory goes sloppy and I forget the things I wrote on it, and how I'm not supposed to be doing certain things I've been doing.

I just wish I didn't even really have to think so much about any of this, or worry myself so much over stuff like this. Mad to think how all this has stemmed from some past thing, most likely, but all this has been built up over the years and it's probably going to take just as long to change the way I think completely.

And, I find myself still seeking the approval of others, even though I shouldn't - I sometimes feel that if  I don't have what I would consider to be the validation of a man, then I don't look good. It's daft but these things have just become habit now.

Anyway, I'm probably over-thinking now - I've been feeling a bit negative tonight but I think I'm just tired and need sleep. And rest. So on that note, good night - and I will try again with my big mission tomorrow. I'm not giving up yet! Struggle is necessary for progress ;)

xo

My mission: The Self-Love Project

Day in, day out, I'm sat here moping about how I look.

Even when I'm out, I'm still feeling self-conscious about my appearance, checking myself in the reflection of shop windows, and then as soon as I'm back home, it's back to this thought process:

• 'I look rough today'
• 'What the fuck is that on my face, ugliest thing ever'
• 'Why can't I look different'
• 'I need to lose weight'
• 'Why can't I change *this* and *that* about myself'
• 'I hate how I look'
• 'Ew ew and ew'

This is pretty much a day in the life of how I think and feel. And it's no wonder that at the end of every day, I'm left with no self-confidence whatsoever, low self-esteem, and a genuine hatred of what I am and what I look like.

Even when other people think I look good, or other people compliment me, my instant thoughts are 'They're only saying that to be polite/get something out of me/they think everyone looks good' etc. I immediately brush whatever nice thing they said about me off and as much as I may try to believe it, I don't, because I daily tell myself otherwise. And I think of reasons why this cannot be true.

It's got to stop. I'm sick of living like this. Feeling like this. Looking to others to fill in this void and lack of self-love, the approval of others and their compliments to make me feel good.

And the funny thing is - even when I get it, it doesn't make me feel good in the long term. I'm happy for about a few minutes, but then after it, I'm back to the usual critical, negative inner voice, telling me that I'm ugly and not good enough.

Why is it that I'm my own worst critic? The person who judges me the most? The person most harsh and unnecessarily cruel to myself?

I don't treat my friends or family like this. I always want them to know how beautiful they are and feel good. I try to see the best in them. But in myself, the flaws are the first things I pick out and focus on.

Whatever the reason for this may be, (probably to do with growing up and child issues, feeling uncomfortable in my own body because of mean comments at school and feeling insecure, and therefore not being able to believe anyone anymore when they tell me anything nice about myself) it's no longer serving me any purpose. I've grown older believing it to be the truth, when most likely (I hesitate as I tell myself this because I STILL don't believe it) it isn't the case. I'm sure other people don't see me as the ugly monster I see looking back at me in the mirror. All these self-doubts are doing is seizing me from living my life. From enjoying my life. Enjoying who I am. Being happy and ok with who I am. I'm not confident when I meet new people partly because I worry what they'll think of my appearance, therefore find it hard to interact with other people confidently. I'm scared to meet new people, get to know other people, open myself up to others, date new guys, do anything really. 

I make an effort to make myself look good, but deep down there is still that pesky little voice, reminding me that I'm just not as great as I think I am. If that made sense..

It's making me hate myself for no reason! I was not born being able to choose what I look like, I've altered myself a lot already throughout my life in non-surgical ways so I look a lot better than I used to, yet I'm still searching for improvement and aiming for perfection, when really I'm not sure it even exists. As much as I wish it did so I could be 'it'.

I seem to have this weird idea that if I was physically perfect, that everything would be fine and dandy. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I'd have no problems anymore. I'd have unstoppable confidence and everybody would love me.

But what if I am already attractive? What if others see me like that, yet, I don't see it? And really I'm sabotaging myself because I don't see the beauty that's already in me!

I think that may be the case. These thought processes, negative voices and worries aren't helping me at all. They refuse to ever let me believe anything nice about myself, and therefore, it's in my power and my power only to change that.

From this day forward, for exactly one month, I am going to make the conscious decision and effort to fully accept me, inside and out, and I will do that by doing the following:

• Stop criticizing myself every time I look in the mirror. Stop looking for flaws. Stop focusing on the things I don't like.
• Actively SEEK OUT the things I do like about my appearance, focus on my best assets, and fully embrace them and allow myself to love them without worrying about my perceived 'flaws'.
• Stop looking in the mirror (including reflections!) so often - and I mean quit the obsessive unnecessary 'if I look at myself in this angle do I look better' kind of thinking.
• Wear things that make me feel good. And then stop questioning my appearance and whether I look good in it for the rest of the day.
• Allow myself to go hours without even acknowledging or thinking about what I look like. Yes, smile even though I think my smile looks stupid.. laugh, talk, do what I fucking please.
• Get ready, do my hair, do my make-up, without complaining once. About anything. (This will be a task but I'm determined to give it a go).
• Don't look at my body for any more than a few seconds, and no pulling or pinching at my bulgy bits. Or sucking my tummy in to make me look better.
• If I'm getting my photo taken, don't freak out. Just smile and act natural, and don't ask to see the picture afterwards.
• Don't try to take a picture of myself on my blackberry after I've gotten all ready and think I look nice, only to discover that on my phone camera, I don't look as glamorous as I thought. (I'm convinced this camera is just out to make me look worse than I actually do).
• If this does happen, get over the fact that a bad photo came out. It doesn't mean I look bad, it's probably the lighting/angle etc. Then get the fuck over it and move on with your day, as if you look fucking amazing.
• Tell myself good things about myself. Daily. Compliment myself as if I fancy myself. Yep, I'm allowed to be vain. Tell yourself how gorgeous you look today, and act as if it's true, even if it doesn't feel right at first.
• Engage with others as if you are beautiful, and they know it too. Don't hold back and appear shy and awkward with yourself, as if you have something you want to hide.
• Every time a negative thought or self-doubt creeps in, acknowledge it as soon as possible, then tell it to fuck off. Diminish it. Remember, it no longer serves you, it no longer deserves a place in your brain.
• Stop telling myself how gross I look without make-up. Learn to love how I look naturally.
• Stop obsessing over calories. Make an effort to eat healthier things, but not to try and lose weight, just as a way for my body to feel better.
• Work out and exercise because I want to be fit and healthy, not just so I can see the results.
• Every time someone compliments me, thank them and smile, DO NOT brush it off, disagree, or think that it is not true. Allow yourself to believe it and use it as good energy for the rest of the day.
• If you see a spot on your face, observe it, but don't judge yourself for it. Act as if you were looking at it on your friend's face. You wouldn't point at it and go 'EWW GROSS'. Don't get upset over it!
• Remind myself that I am human, and it's in my second nature to have imperfections. Everyone does.
• Also remind myself of my important, good, inner qualities. (Kind, thoughtful, intelligent, good friend etc).
• Most of all, just try and enjoy being myself. Create a new mental image for yourself, as if you are actually attractive and confident and amazing, and see what good opportunities come from it. Notice how much better you feel.

And in exactly one month, or less, seeing as this day today will be the day after Christmas haha, I will write back here and let you know, or myself know, how I did, how much I struggled, how good I felt/now feel, and whether it's changed anything. I may write in this before that, just as a quick recap as to how I'm doing so far etc. Interested to try this! Wish me luck!

xo

Body Image

This was what I tweeted on Twitlonger on the 10th of May -

Ok so, no one will probably read this, but I have a lot that needs to be said about something. Over the past few weeks, I've learnt a lot about my body image and myself. As anyone who's seen my tweets can probably tell, I've been OBSESSED with my weight and how I look. I didn't see it like that at the time, but I was. I don't know what it was, but after a short period in my life where I didn't care so much about what my body looked like, I suddenly did. Something triggered it, I don't know what, but it just happened. I suddenly became depressed about my body image again and developed negative thoughts about every single imperfection on my body. Of course, at first, I went the wrong way about it, tried starving myself (which I've tried stupidly in the past when I was younger) and deprived myself of food even when I was hungry. This eventually backfired and I ended up probably over-eating again due to the lack of food I'd eaten, to try and make up for it. Then, once I'd started taking some new medication for other health reasons, after about a month or two, my weight rocketed, and this scared the shit out of me. I didn't realise it was the medication doing this at the time so I was worried, thought I was eating too much and so on. So I tried a different approach which I'd never done before - a diet, but not one replacing junk foods with healthy foods, just cutting out the bad stuff and keeping an eye on my calorie intake to try and lose the weight. I was honestly only able to do this for about 5 days, I was struggling, but the main reason I gave up with it is because I weighed myself on the 5th day and I hadn't lost anything - it was a horrible feeling because it felt like all my effort did nothing. I started exercising 3 times a week as well, weeks before that, and it seemed to do nothing at all. So then again, I probably over-ate to try and make up for the food I hadn't eaten, and that backfired even worse - I ended up putting on even more weight, and it's only up until tonight that that's been depressing me so much. It's been hard trying to accept myself as this new weight, even though I don't look that much different, but I felt so much fatter.

Only recently I was able to remember that one of the side effects of taking my medication was weight gain. I went to the doctor's on Monday and they said that it can happen - she also weighed me, and tonight I realised that the number that was on those scales appeared to show that I have lost a bit of weight again. It just made me think - what the hell was I worrying about? While I'm on this my weight will constantly be just up and down, and it will be impossible trying to control it. So from now on, I'm just letting it go. My weight will drop again once I come off this medication, but it all just got me thinking about the reasons I've been so desperate to lose weight and so scared to begin with.

I'll get to the point of what this tweet was going to be about - I wanted to say that I am so sick of the way society and the media portrays that if you aren't stick thin, you won't be considered attractive. Like if you don't have a flat stomach, or a gap between your thighs, or a tiny bum, then you're basically fat.

And you know what I say to that? Bullshit. The reason for MY insecurities and for thinking that MY body isn't good enough the way it is is because of them. People have constantly told me that I'm not fat and that I don't need to lose weight, but I think the media tells us otherwise and causes us to doubt ourselves. It makes us pick out things that we think are wrong with our body, and we constantly compare it to other 'idealistic' but unrealistic figures represented in the media. I have been trying to achieve a 'perfect body' but the truth is, it doesn't exist. The reason I've never been satisfied with how I look is because I've constantly compared myself to slimmer individuals because we've been taught to believe that that is the 'ideal body image' and most desirable, when really, that isn't true, and I think I speak for most girls when I say all this.

It's obviously a matter of opinion, but we shouldn't be made to believe that if we don't look like that, then we're ugly. 

Honestly, I'm proud to not be 'skinny'. I would rather have a more womanly figure than look like a child with no hips, no thighs, no bum, and no boobs any day!! As long as I'm a healthy weight, that's all that matters, because I know I'm not 'fat' and I don't need to worry about it.