(Quick update on how I've been feeling and how well the self-love project has been working so far!)
DAY 1:
(Extract from my phone)
I've felt amazing today. It's like all the stuff I've assigned myself to do is already having an effect, and making such a positive impact on me and my self image already. A few minutes ago, I was just browsing through my pictures on my phone, and closely analysing spots and other perceived 'flaws' on my face, so obviously immediately got those feelings of low self-esteem and doubt. But I acknowledged the feeling, read my blog post again and reminded myself of all the important things I need to remember, and it worked! Its like I just need to keep giving myself a reality check, and once I recognised that those were just my negative, self-defeating thoughts again, I was able to get rid of them a lot quicker. Good to see this is working already :)
DAY 2/3:
I'm not gonna lie, the past day and today have been kinda hard. I don't really know what's changing, I mean maybe with the whole college thing and getting ready, it gets me too focused on my appearance again, but idk. I'm tired as well right now, currently in bed, so forgive me if whatever I say doesn't make sense and I ramble on too much!
I mean, it's just hard to stay positive. There a few things I have failed at already, and tbh I was kinda expecting that. Things like the photo taking, flaw-picking, focusing too much again on the things I don't like about myself rather than just being happy enough with the good things. Too much time in front of the mirror, checking reflections when I'm out again, and definitely the thoughts creeping back in! I haven't made as much of an effort though to shun them out this time, and I guess it's because I still see it as my reality. I've thought this way for such a long time it's become my reality now, and what I believe to be fact, so it's kinda hard to just start re-programming my brain like this.
Another thing that I think highly depends on my levels of self-acceptance and self-love would be the kind of mood I'm in. I've noticed that when I'm in a bad, depressed, sad or angry mood, then I tend to feel more negatively about myself, too. I lack the motivation and drive to keep trying to accept myself, and the effort to keep telling myself good things. It's hard to be nice to yourself! Especially if you think you aren't doing so well in other things, either.
I guess this is where appearance isn't just concerned. I need to be kind to myself about everything. Every struggle I face and life decision I've made, I really need to just support myself. Be ok with me and how I choose to live my life. Not easy!
I have done some things quite well though. I haven't been completely hating and stressed out on my appearance the whole time, last night I felt very happy with how I looked, and today I was as well a little bit with some aspects of my appearance, but it was just when I went out and started looking in mirrors, one look at my skin and I'm like 'oh my god I look terrible' and it seems to put me in a mood for the rest of the day. I mean, I can't win really - whilst I'm trying to focus on accepting myself and loving my appearance, it involves thinking too much about what I look like anyway, and it's hard to put my mind on anything else. So trying not to acknowledge anything to do with how I look for a while is a very hard task.
And, if I don't remind myself of this list enough, my memory goes sloppy and I forget the things I wrote on it, and how I'm not supposed to be doing certain things I've been doing.
I just wish I didn't even really have to think so much about any of this, or worry myself so much over stuff like this. Mad to think how all this has stemmed from some past thing, most likely, but all this has been built up over the years and it's probably going to take just as long to change the way I think completely.
And, I find myself still seeking the approval of others, even though I shouldn't - I sometimes feel that if I don't have what I would consider to be the validation of a man, then I don't look good. It's daft but these things have just become habit now.
Anyway, I'm probably over-thinking now - I've been feeling a bit negative tonight but I think I'm just tired and need sleep. And rest. So on that note, good night - and I will try again with my big mission tomorrow. I'm not giving up yet! Struggle is necessary for progress ;)
xo
Showing posts with label insecurites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecurites. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Monday, 14 May 2012
Body Image
This was what I tweeted on Twitlonger on the 10th of May -
Ok so, no one will probably read this, but I have a lot that needs to be said about something. Over the past few weeks, I've learnt a lot about my body image and myself. As anyone who's seen my tweets can probably tell, I've been OBSESSED with my weight and how I look. I didn't see it like that at the time, but I was. I don't know what it was, but after a short period in my life where I didn't care so much about what my body looked like, I suddenly did. Something triggered it, I don't know what, but it just happened. I suddenly became depressed about my body image again and developed negative thoughts about every single imperfection on my body. Of course, at first, I went the wrong way about it, tried starving myself (which I've tried stupidly in the past when I was younger) and deprived myself of food even when I was hungry. This eventually backfired and I ended up probably over-eating again due to the lack of food I'd eaten, to try and make up for it. Then, once I'd started taking some new medication for other health reasons, after about a month or two, my weight rocketed, and this scared the shit out of me. I didn't realise it was the medication doing this at the time so I was worried, thought I was eating too much and so on. So I tried a different approach which I'd never done before - a diet, but not one replacing junk foods with healthy foods, just cutting out the bad stuff and keeping an eye on my calorie intake to try and lose the weight. I was honestly only able to do this for about 5 days, I was struggling, but the main reason I gave up with it is because I weighed myself on the 5th day and I hadn't lost anything - it was a horrible feeling because it felt like all my effort did nothing. I started exercising 3 times a week as well, weeks before that, and it seemed to do nothing at all. So then again, I probably over-ate to try and make up for the food I hadn't eaten, and that backfired even worse - I ended up putting on even more weight, and it's only up until tonight that that's been depressing me so much. It's been hard trying to accept myself as this new weight, even though I don't look that much different, but I felt so much fatter.
Only recently I was able to remember that one of the side effects of taking my medication was weight gain. I went to the doctor's on Monday and they said that it can happen - she also weighed me, and tonight I realised that the number that was on those scales appeared to show that I have lost a bit of weight again. It just made me think - what the hell was I worrying about? While I'm on this my weight will constantly be just up and down, and it will be impossible trying to control it. So from now on, I'm just letting it go. My weight will drop again once I come off this medication, but it all just got me thinking about the reasons I've been so desperate to lose weight and so scared to begin with.
I'll get to the point of what this tweet was going to be about - I wanted to say that I am so sick of the way society and the media portrays that if you aren't stick thin, you won't be considered attractive. Like if you don't have a flat stomach, or a gap between your thighs, or a tiny bum, then you're basically fat.
And you know what I say to that? Bullshit. The reason for MY insecurities and for thinking that MY body isn't good enough the way it is is because of them. People have constantly told me that I'm not fat and that I don't need to lose weight, but I think the media tells us otherwise and causes us to doubt ourselves. It makes us pick out things that we think are wrong with our body, and we constantly compare it to other 'idealistic' but unrealistic figures represented in the media. I have been trying to achieve a 'perfect body' but the truth is, it doesn't exist. The reason I've never been satisfied with how I look is because I've constantly compared myself to slimmer individuals because we've been taught to believe that that is the 'ideal body image' and most desirable, when really, that isn't true, and I think I speak for most girls when I say all this.
It's obviously a matter of opinion, but we shouldn't be made to believe that if we don't look like that, then we're ugly.
Honestly, I'm proud to not be 'skinny'. I would rather have a more womanly figure than look like a child with no hips, no thighs, no bum, and no boobs any day!! As long as I'm a healthy weight, that's all that matters, because I know I'm not 'fat' and I don't need to worry about it.
Ok so, no one will probably read this, but I have a lot that needs to be said about something. Over the past few weeks, I've learnt a lot about my body image and myself. As anyone who's seen my tweets can probably tell, I've been OBSESSED with my weight and how I look. I didn't see it like that at the time, but I was. I don't know what it was, but after a short period in my life where I didn't care so much about what my body looked like, I suddenly did. Something triggered it, I don't know what, but it just happened. I suddenly became depressed about my body image again and developed negative thoughts about every single imperfection on my body. Of course, at first, I went the wrong way about it, tried starving myself (which I've tried stupidly in the past when I was younger) and deprived myself of food even when I was hungry. This eventually backfired and I ended up probably over-eating again due to the lack of food I'd eaten, to try and make up for it. Then, once I'd started taking some new medication for other health reasons, after about a month or two, my weight rocketed, and this scared the shit out of me. I didn't realise it was the medication doing this at the time so I was worried, thought I was eating too much and so on. So I tried a different approach which I'd never done before - a diet, but not one replacing junk foods with healthy foods, just cutting out the bad stuff and keeping an eye on my calorie intake to try and lose the weight. I was honestly only able to do this for about 5 days, I was struggling, but the main reason I gave up with it is because I weighed myself on the 5th day and I hadn't lost anything - it was a horrible feeling because it felt like all my effort did nothing. I started exercising 3 times a week as well, weeks before that, and it seemed to do nothing at all. So then again, I probably over-ate to try and make up for the food I hadn't eaten, and that backfired even worse - I ended up putting on even more weight, and it's only up until tonight that that's been depressing me so much. It's been hard trying to accept myself as this new weight, even though I don't look that much different, but I felt so much fatter.
Only recently I was able to remember that one of the side effects of taking my medication was weight gain. I went to the doctor's on Monday and they said that it can happen - she also weighed me, and tonight I realised that the number that was on those scales appeared to show that I have lost a bit of weight again. It just made me think - what the hell was I worrying about? While I'm on this my weight will constantly be just up and down, and it will be impossible trying to control it. So from now on, I'm just letting it go. My weight will drop again once I come off this medication, but it all just got me thinking about the reasons I've been so desperate to lose weight and so scared to begin with.
I'll get to the point of what this tweet was going to be about - I wanted to say that I am so sick of the way society and the media portrays that if you aren't stick thin, you won't be considered attractive. Like if you don't have a flat stomach, or a gap between your thighs, or a tiny bum, then you're basically fat.
And you know what I say to that? Bullshit. The reason for MY insecurities and for thinking that MY body isn't good enough the way it is is because of them. People have constantly told me that I'm not fat and that I don't need to lose weight, but I think the media tells us otherwise and causes us to doubt ourselves. It makes us pick out things that we think are wrong with our body, and we constantly compare it to other 'idealistic' but unrealistic figures represented in the media. I have been trying to achieve a 'perfect body' but the truth is, it doesn't exist. The reason I've never been satisfied with how I look is because I've constantly compared myself to slimmer individuals because we've been taught to believe that that is the 'ideal body image' and most desirable, when really, that isn't true, and I think I speak for most girls when I say all this.
It's obviously a matter of opinion, but we shouldn't be made to believe that if we don't look like that, then we're ugly.
Honestly, I'm proud to not be 'skinny'. I would rather have a more womanly figure than look like a child with no hips, no thighs, no bum, and no boobs any day!! As long as I'm a healthy weight, that's all that matters, because I know I'm not 'fat' and I don't need to worry about it.
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